Wayne Rooney's Diary

I done a diary. Parody

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

i just kicked the ball and it went in the net

im glad i remembered how to play football again

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

i kicked the ball from the penalty spot and it went in then i passed to lingard and he scored that was a good half

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

i see madrid have sacked rafa

i got sacked once

i got caught eating chips on the late shift at mcdonalds

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

scored a goal lol

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

so pleased to make my 500th man united appearance today

to celebrate i ate 500 jammy dodgers last night

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

fuck this i cant watch

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

not injured just have a bob the builder box set to get through this weekend and dont want to be disturbed

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

daniel sturridge might have scored more goals than me this season but can he eat 5 crackers in 1 minute?

no?

i can

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

coleen has just been shouting at me

ive eaten all my advent calendar chocolates and its only 2nd december

im hiding in the kitchen

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

van gaal said he is proud of me for making it past the half way line twice tonight

im well happy with that

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

i once scored in 11 consecutive matches

then coleen turned my playstation off and told me to tidy up

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

just said hello to jamie vardy in the tunnel

he said wayne you chat shit im gonna bang you

i said oh

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

me: coleen why is today black friday is it cos its very dark?

coleen: no wayne

me: is it cos its jack blacks birthday?

coleen: no wayne

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

dont get the john lewis advert

surely that man sat on the moon would float away?

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

my mind kept wandering tonight

when lance armstrong landed on the moon why didnt he taken his bike?

confused

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

i actually fell asleep for about 30 minutes in that second half

i dont think anyone noticed though

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

louis van gaal was nice today

he held my hand so i didnt slip in the car park

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

watching sponge bob square pants

its my favourite programme

i wish i lived in a pineapple under the sea

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

helping my son with his homework

he has to learn pie theory for maths or something

so far we've had steak pie and pork pie

yum

[Wayne Rooney's Diary @Rooneys_Diary]

just spilled my tea all over me laughing at man city