Rory Rusch

I'm a parents death away from being homeless

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only- *sneezes blood*

A six

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… AND IM NOT GAY

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Roses are red, violets are blue, could I just like maybe borrow 20 bucks or something?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

*drenched in sweat*

I’m here to jerk off on the train and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of jerking off on the train. Could I have a piece of gum please?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Don’t you hate it when you sit on the urinal and it’s still warm from the last person?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

I describe my bank account as, “I’ll have a water”

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

I wanna get two cats and name them 9 and 11. But say it’s from stranger things.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

My name is Rory but my therapist calls me “are you a danger to yourself right now”

She said it the first time we met and it just kind of stuck?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

*sitting at a bus stop seeing an Uber full of people laughing*

“ugh, the luxuries of the 1 percent…”

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Has there been a porn parody where remy from ratatouille pulls on his pubes to make him have sex real good?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

The craziest part about billionaires is they waste their money on stupid shit like oppressing the poor

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

*hiking on a trail during a beautiful day*

“This isn’t like the inside of a bar at all?!”

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

I’d love to hang but I have some fucking my own ass to do. (Financially, emotionally, and most importantly, physically)

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

When it comes to my finances I’m not very liquid. I know that because I had to google what liquid was, on someone else phone.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

A lot of my rich friends have a lot of money in stocks and bitcoin. At the moment most of my money is tied up in food stamps.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

There isn’t a funnier response to anything ever said, no matter what it is. “OH YEAH?!!?

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Living paycheck to paycheck is being the absolute richest man alive for a week and being the poorest person ever the second week.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

If you knock on a stall door in a public bathroom I think you should be forced to kill your self in front of your loved ones.

[Rory Rusch @RoryRusch]

Defense attorney: “listen… people die everyday. You could die in 40 years of cancer… You could get hit by car tomorrow…. You could die by my client’s hand… What’s the difference?”