Roscoe Gunne

$50 a day plus expenses. I may live in the 1940s but I still eat cheap punks like you for breakfast.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Wi-Fi out at work. Thanks a lot, Bomb Cyclone.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Happy New Year! Is it 1948 already?

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

I may not be the smartest guy in the room at first, but just wait until I start pistol-whipping every no-good punk in the place.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

I was gone for a copula months. Did anybody notice? I was in the slammer. I guess my method of questioning punks is controversial.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Those poor bastards attacked by Count Chocula have their own set of problems. You need an old priest and a young Diabetes specialist.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

My portable typewriter still weighs 30 pounds. Cause it's the 1940s over here. What am I gonna do, type into a mechanical robot? As if!

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Who's that President guy, the one with the big fake hair? I like the cut of his jib, whatever that means.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

@garyandshannon Who can AFFORD two packs of cigs a day? What's that cost, $40?

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Now those triggered snowflakes want to rename Columbus, Ohio. Okay, comet. We're ready for you now. I welcome your fiery embrace.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

In no way is this the first time Jerry Lewis died in Las Vegas. Definitely the last, though.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

I woke up this morning in a pool of blood. But it wasn't mine, so it was a good way to start my day.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

It's always some short, hairy guy who wants you to go on a quest for a magic ring. Keep your weirdo personal life at home, you freaks.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Bullet bras are the best way to present breasts, by far. Presentation is everything. I'm glad broads are catching on to that. Make us happy!

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

I won't say I've ever killed anyone. I'd be more inclined to say I took away his breather registration card.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Of all the daily chores I have to do, I'd say sweeping up the teeth of no-good punks from my office floor is the most tedious.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

I want to write a firsthand account of my private eye adventures. I'll call it "Murder Me Deadly" because "My Friend Flicka" was taken.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

@BrianRathbone I party like it's 1899. We have to hit the sack early to milk the cows in the morning. No electricity anyway.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Under "Work Skills" on job applications, I always put "Punching guys in the face". It's not really work when you're doing what you love.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

Left the army due to a dishonorable discharge. Don't know how you were raised, but I didn't think masturbation was that big a deal.

[Roscoe Gunne @RoscoeGunne]

They say by the year 2000 we'll all have flying cars. Well, I can make a car fly right now, pal. Don't even try me, you gutless punks.