Roseanne Connor

I really don't give a fuck about my kids.

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

DAN SAID YOU COULD? WHAT DAN SEZ DONT MEAN NOTHIN' ROUND HERE HE KNOWS THAT

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

BUT DAN YOU WERE NEVER THE MAN YA USED TO BE

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

"Daaad when did you fall in love with Mom?"
"As soon as she told me to, dear."

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

You spend all your life tryin' to teach you're kids they're always wrong and then something like this has to go and happen

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

NOTHIN SAYS CHRISTMAS LIKE A STRING OF SCHLITZ BOTTLE CAPS

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

"I don't know if I'd wanna build my living room over a bunch of old beer cans and prophylactics."

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

"We've been working very hard to keep 'ebonics' out of our schools." —BUT THAT'S THE ONE SHOT MY SON HAS AT BEIN' BILINGIAL

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

"Wanna go to Denny's?" Jackie, you're not gonna believe this, but for the first time in my life I'm full. Oh, what the hell yeah let's go.

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

No, but I might go to prison, and then I'd have to prove myself in the yard every day

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

LOOK AT THAT GUY—I HATE MEN! I SHOULD JUST RUN HIM OVER RIGHT NOW AND DO HIS WIFE A FAVOR

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

Yknow I've always said this about the royals: they're nothin' but trailer trash with titles.

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

For the first time ever I didn't hafta buy any irregulars—all these fitted sheets are shaped just like a bed

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

"David, we men don't read instructions: we eyeball it, think logically—and then wing it."

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

Women who yell don't need pills — MEN INVENTED PILLS TO SHUT WOMEN UP

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

I didn't ever see that Gandhi movie — is it Gandhi III or IV where he has that big fight with Mr. T?

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

THERE'S SO MANY THINGS ON THE TABLE I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO PUT MY ELBOWS

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

WELL I'LL SNAP YOUR SPINE IN HALF LIKE A POTATO CHIP YA BITCH

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

I DONT WANNA COME IN AGAIN SOME MIDNIGHT AND FIND YOU MAKIN' A 30-YOLK SANDWICH

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

C'mon Leon, I'll even do it for free — AND I HAVEN'T SAID THAT SINCE MY WEDDING NIGHT.

[Roseanne Connor @Roseanneconnor]

HEY I AM NOT DIVORCED, SINGLE, DESPERATE OR LONELY, WHAT THE HELL DO I NEED TA EXERCIZE FOR?