Chris Reads Jewish

Rural Louisiana Jewish public school teacher named Chris (seriously) who didn’t make it out.

[Haviv Rettig Gur @havivrettiggur]

This is incorrect. Olive trees pretty clearly don’t speak Arabic. Some of the oldest ones, such as those in the Garden of Gethsemane, are believed by scientists to have already been centuries old when Arabic arrived here. They may have met Jesus. Literally.

So obviously the olive trees speak Aramaic, though the oldest of the old may yet remember a Hebrew they learned from their parents.

But you can have my favorite tree, dear Palestinian nationalists, the terebinths, elah in Hebrew. They have shorter memories, as trees go. They surely speak Arabic.

The Judas trees, of course, speak Byzantine Greek, like the church that loves them; the Aleppo pines speak Assyrian; the acacias of the south surely remember old Coptic. And the Judean date palms? Unquestionably modern Hebrew, like their Israeli parents who brought them back from extinction using 2,000-year-old seeds.

I know what you’re thinking, dear reader: What about the sycamore figs? Tell us about the sycamore figs, Haviv!

No. We don’t talk about the sycamore figs. Not since they decided to go off and learn English so they could chat up those sexy young American calimyrnas. Figs got no respect for tradition.

Or in other words, grow up, dear Palestinian nationalists. Stop futzing around with two-bit poetry. This veneer of cheap romance doesn’t make your dream of erasing my people less evil. My kids know every stone and every valley in their country. They’ve run barefoot through its riverbeds and climbed its mountains. We have no other land, which is the main reason your aspiration to forcibly remove, through expulsion or death, all the millions of us hasn’t worked yet.

And “renamed the cities?” Come on. You know the Arabs renamed the cities, right? You are aware that Lod was Lod before it was Lydda, no? Look it up. And Bet Shean was Bet Shean before it was Beisan. Tzfat before it was Safad. Nablus, taken from the Roman-renamed Neapolis, was Shchem first. And Al-Khalil, “the companion,” a Muslim honorific for Abraham, was called Hevron by Abraham himself. Yaffa was Yafo first and Akka was originally Akko. You get the idea.

That doesn’t prove we’re right and you’re wrong. I have no proof or argument or desire to claim that you shouldn’t exist. I wish that was true in reverse.

Arab culture prides itself on its poetic tradition. When Arab ideologues want to claim greater authenticity or morality than their enemies, they often turn to this tradition to do so. So when the supporters of Palestinians reach out to the world and ask the world to erase the Jewish polity, they do it through this kind of poetry. “The olive trees still speak Arabic,” and such.

But beautiful words do not make ugly things prettier. No lipstick ever put on any pig has been more “lipstick on a pig” than this Arab discourse.

It’s not that complicated. The Palestinians aren’t leaving, but neither are the Jews. And the Jews have a story as poetic as any other, and as old as Western civilization itself.

The Jews even have a few assholes who try to cover for their bad desires by spreading thick layers of old poetry on top of them, just like you guys! If that’s not a mark of authenticity, I don’t know what is.

Grow up. Trees don’t talk, not even metaphorically. And if they did, it wouldn’t be in the service of your hateful fantasies.

[David Wolpe @RabbiWolpe]

The Torah is read on Monday and Thursday morning because those were market days. In other words, your daily life, your economic life, should not be separate from your spiritual life.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@jewishmemequeen Shabbat of course makes me think of challah and kiddush makes me think of wine and also those decorated mix of Italian cookies for the kid-ish people at shul.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@jewishmemequeen I think of pastrami and brisket when someone says macher.

[Longtime Diasporist Here @eddyportnoy]

Popeye keeps kosher (1933).

[David Wolpe @RabbiWolpe]

A story of hide and seek-

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@JoshMalina You could teach them, but then you’d have to charge.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@katrosenfield Watched it so many times in the fall of 2005, trying to find out what made it special. Watched with the director’s commentary. I ended up deciding that movies just sucked that year and this must have been the best of them. My taste was bad. I liked The Skeleton Key.

[Erin Molan @Erin_Molan]

A message for the Pope… from a Catholic… in response to your recent commentary regarding the Middle East… with the utmost respect 🙏

[David Wolpe @RabbiWolpe]

In a time when some Jews are tempted to hide, pirsumei nisa - advertising the miracle -becomes more important than ever. Put the mezuzah on your door and the hannukiah in your window.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

Okay, this one is funny, no matter your religion. 👩‍🍳 😘

[The Babylon Bee @TheBabylonBee]

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Ignored Magi's Gifts, Just Played With The Boxes They Came In https://t.co/YrD8uAnG4H

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@SaysCL @edjewcation I helped put up the menorah for the Chabad lighting in Lake Charles, Louisiana tonight (it’s only the 3rd year). Then I channeled by inner Yael and talked to the rabbi’s little boy, because when else will I get that chance again?

Love you guys with a “ch” 🕎

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@eyeslasho Juneteenth is real, though I get that for people in other states that didn’t traditionally celebrate it, it may appear to be new.

On the other hand, I’ve always had to explain, including to black individuals, that my Jewish family doesn’t celebrate Kwanzaa. Not our holiday.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@bethanyshondark Or maybe I’ve just watched way too much Hallmark since the pandemic.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@bethanyshondark I don’t normally suggest this, but if someone wants to connect to biological family (as opposed to the community they make as adults), I think https://t.co/TnHyw5GUJ2’s DNA test is a way to go and you’ll find some matches that may want to connect (it’s pretty quick).

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@DBashIdeas @JQYouth Man the response in the comments here. I’ve always said it was the Romans who destroyed the Second Temple. But maybe the orthodox are correct after all.

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

Throughout the eight days of Hanukkah, these lights are sacred, and we are not permitted to make use of them, but only to look at them, in order to offer thanks…

[Chris Reads Jewish @RovingMinyan]

@arinohem https://t.co/KJVrxPw5eg Here’s an answer.