RusseII Brand

My Haters Only Have One Advantage Over Me, They Can Kiss Ass And I Can't! RoIe PIaying Account! Not Affiliated With RusseII Brand.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Monorails make for good one-liners.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Darkest: the exact moment you’re trying to find your seat at a movie.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

If guns don't kill people, people kill people. Does that mean toasters dont toast toast toast toasts toast?

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

"Can I help you Sir?" "No, I just waited in line for 30 minutes to say Hi."

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

I am not slurring, I am speaking in cursive.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Whoever snuck the 'S' into Fast Food ...well played!

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Apparently when my wife said she wanted me to warm her up in bed, she didn't mean "Dutch Oven". Hello couch.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Mom says 'Alcohol is your enemy'... Jesus says 'Love your enemy.'

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Relationships are like garage sales. From a distance they look interesting but up close it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

When someone says something is great, I take that as a personal challenge to not enjoy it.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

So tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They’re where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE!

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

I like sleeping. It's like death, just without the commitment.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

If a profile picture has two ppl in it, the profile belongs to the uglier one.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

2pac + Eminem + 50 cent = 2 packs of M&M`s for 50 cents.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

The world was my oyster. Then I found out I was allergic to shellfish.

[RusseII Brand @RusseII_Brand]

Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!