Rutherford Hayes

It takes a real stallion in the presidential bedroom to earn the nickname Dark Horse. I may not be on a bill but I know how to buck!

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Double roasted salsa! Enough! I don't want to hear your excuses. Why couldn't you do it right the first time?!

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

I know I do look serious - that's because my portrait's from the nipples up. I'm actually sportin a garder and sitting on a whoopie cushion.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

No, Chuck Norris, YOUR beard is best! So, uh, does your carpet match the drapes? Harhar! Hey! Stop roundhouse kicking me it was a joke!

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

What's that, Science Guy? Oh, ha! No, YOU'RE sexy! Yeah, we'll be beating the chicks off with a stick...doused in hydrochloric acid.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Yeah, Bill Nye. We SHOULD grab a drink together after you finish up in the meth lab tonight. We're a couple of lady killers, you and I.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Watched the Science Channel today. Pleased to see someone still appreciates the sexiness of the bow tie, Bill Nye.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Thinking about changing up my beard style. This new Soul Patch/Flavor Saver intrigues me. I think Lucy and the triplets would approve.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

So, I have a little problem with drugs, maple syrup, gerbils, and conjoined triplets. I mean, really, who doesn't?

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Listen Aunt Jemima. I know you're supposed to give me the advice, as I'm your nephew and all, but u don't have to let Uncle use the ballgag.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Let me guess, next you're going to tell me I can't inject heroin and that most people don't have syphilis anymore. Ha! You can't fool me.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Damn kids kept me up again last night. Thankfully it was nothing a little opium coudn't fix. What?! That's illegal now too?

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

What's all this hoopla about crack being illegal? In my day the other white caffeine was not only acceptable, but soothing to the palate.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

You think Aunt Jemima goes around town without panties on? Yeah, OK, I guess you're right, Mrs Butterworth. Uncle Jemima does seem kinky.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Mrs Butterworth, I'd hate to see u exit a limo, you nasty Britney Spears wannabe. At least u have a smooth wax job now, thanks to me.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Feeling guilty after peeling Mrs Butterworth's label off. I wonder if Mr Butterworth knows she's naked under her apron, the dirty whore.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

Regretting spraying Victoria's Secret Body Splash around the toilet region. Smells like I just shat a freakin pear tree.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

I love leeches. Suckee, suckee, suck.

[Rutherford Hayes @RutherfordHayes]

During Tyra, a Cal Worthington ad came on. I scratched my beard and said, "Me thinks that dude is older than I am, but he has a nice tiger."