Ryan

if you’re high court enforcement, this is a memorial page.

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

Fuck me how out of date is this beer

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

ITS A BAAAAAD DAY TO BE A FRESHIE WITH AN SIA BADGE

[ok yeah haha @BEEEEEEEEEEEE_S]

@MintBlitz

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

Spend 15 minutes talking to some American tourists AND I still don’t know why the FUCK they’re polluting Ireland like Locusts

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

Wait DAN was gossip girl??

[pagliacci the hated 🌝 @Slatzism]

“police arrest man who is bleeding to death because the stabber claimed he was racist”

its literally impossible to satirize the UK anymore. even the most extreme, hamfisted memes are just real things that actually happen now

[D Fens Ghost @D_Fens_Ghost]

I once saw a 1990s porno where a northern shithouse woman was getting rogered hanging out the boot of a Ford Sierra in a local park. She uttered words that have never left.

"Go on, stick it in my bastard shit pipe"

[Ben Harris @btharris93]

I don't agree with this, but if we let the public design the banknotes this is what they would look like:

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

Biiiig Boxing Day ahead

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

A Christmas story

[yes @bigbez]

christmas? more like ramadan with how long ive been waiting for my dinner

[DAKKADAKKA @DAKKADAKKA1]

😔

[Markos Mom @Markos_mom]

Martin: Right, we've got Sarah from Basingstoke on line three. Sarah, you're on the Money Saving Expert hotline, what's your question?

Sarah: Hi Martin, love the show. So I've got about £40,000 sitting in a cash ISA earning 3%, and I was thinking of moving maybe £10,000 of it into a global index tracker....

Martin: [sound of tea being spat out]
Sarah. Sarah. SARAH. Can you hear yourself right now?

Sarah: I just thought, for the long term....

Martin: Let me stop you there. You have got, and I want everyone listening to really absorb this, you have got a GUARANTEED three percent. Guaranteed. Do you know what that word means? It means it's in the tin. It's locked in. You could put your head on your pillow tonight knowing, with absolute mathematical certainty, that your money is growing at three percent per annum.

Sarah: Right, but inflation is running at about.....

Martin: And you want to throw that away, THROW IT AWAY, for what? The possibility of ten percent? The hope? The dream?

Sarah: Well, historically, global trackers have.....

Martin: Historically! HISTORICALLY! Do you know what else happened historically, Sarah? The South Sea Bubble. The Wall Street Crash. That time my Premium Bonds didn't win anything for six consecutive months. History is LITTERED with financial corpses, Sarah.

Sarah: I was just going to leave it for twenty years and not look at it.....

Martin: Oh, you're not going to look at it! Marvellous! So when the market drops thirty percent, and it WILL drop thirty percent, probably on a Tuesday, probably the Tuesday after you invest, you'll just sit there, will you? In your house? Not looking? While your £10,000 becomes £7,000?

Sarah: I mean, that's paper losses, and if I don't sell.....

Martin: [hyperventilating] Can someone get me my laminated flowchart? The one about risk?

Sarah: Martin, I've got a stable job, no debt, six months' emergency fund.....

Martin: And a DEATH WISH, apparently! Let me paint you a picture. It's 2026. The markets have crashed. Your tracker fund is DOWN eighteen percent. You're weeping into a bowl of supermarket own-brand cornflakes because you can no longer afford Kellogg's. And you know what I'm doing? I'm sitting pretty on my guaranteed three percent. THREE. PERCENT.

Sarah: That doesn't even beat inflation though.....

Martin: I'm going to stop you there because I am not qualified to give investment advice. I need to be very clear: I am not saying don't invest. I am not saying do invest. I am simply saying that the very concept of investing keeps me awake at night in a cold sweat and I think it should do the same for you.

Sarah: So what should I.....

Martin: Have you considered Premium Bonds? You won't beat inflation but you MIGHT win a million pounds, and the hope is basically free.

Sarah: ...

Martin: Sarah?

Sarah: I think I'll just put it in the tracker.

Martin: [long pause] Well. That's your choice. I want everyone to know I tried. We're going to a break. When we come back: is your broadband contract up for renewal? Because THAT'S something I can help with.

[Neil O'Brien @NeilDotObrien]

Another bad day for Nick, 30
>Income tax up £658
>Student loan repayment up £239
>Rent up (landlord tax passed on)
>Tax on savings up
>Non working neighbour gets 7k benefit payout

[Ryan @RyanF1204]

Woke up to find one of the gerbils has died in his sleep

[Nasser @RichPianian]

A tiny gem from the President

[Sky News @SkyNews]

BREAKING: A manhunt is underway for the Epping hotel asylum seeker, who was jailed for sexually assaulting a girl, after he was accidentally released.

Sky's @Mollie_Malone1 has the latest

https://t.co/G8gDzyqv3Q

📺 Sky 501, Virgin 602, Freeview 233 and YouTube