Ryan Shores

Standup Comic~Author~Podcaster Management: Golden Artists Entertainment LLC Booking:[email protected]

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

I would much rather lose expensive sunglasses than wear a sunglass leash around my neck.

I’m pretty sure my ex bought me one just so no one else would ever want to fuck me.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Watching the WHAM! Documentary on Netflix. Man, Morrisey fucking sucks.

I know Morrisey wasn’t in Wham, but I’m just sayin…

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Thank you heavy metal horns hand gesture.

Sincerely,
-people who don’t know what the fuck to do with our hands in photos.

PS - yes, this Olive Garden is pretty fuckin’ Metal 🤟

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Randomly walking up to strangers, being weird and obnoxious towards them, and filming their reaction for TikTok isn’t creative or funny. Especially if most of their reactions are them basically telling you to leave them alone. That’s just you bothering people for attention.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

I gotta hand it to Cher.

I’m only 37, and I thought I would be AT LEAST 70 years old before I said the words,

“I would totally bang that 76-year-old lady.”

But here we are.…

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

You know you have a wide variety of friends when their kid’s mom tells you they are on vacation, and for some of them you ask, “Oh! Mexico? Hawaii? Europe?” And others you ask, “oh, is this a STATE “vacation” or a FEDERAL vacation?”

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

You ever reconnect with an old friend you haven’t seen in years, and within an hour say to yourself, “OOOOH I remember why I stopped hanging out with this guy!”

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

My life got infinitely better once I started unfriending people who’s entire timeline was an endless stream of ways they felt they’d been victimized that particular day. I know this may be hard for some people to hear, but not EVERYONE you come into contact with is an abuser.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

As much as I appreciate craft cocktail bars, you can GTFO with 15-20 minutes to make a drink. It’s a whiskey, not a fucking soufflé!

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

I can be a bit of a comedy snob, so I have to often remind myself that there was a time that I thought dialing random numbers, farting into the phone, laughing maniacally and hanging up was the Zenith of high brow humor.

Hahaha yeah… 2019 was wild.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Season 2 of “The Jeff Foxworthy Show” stays on during sex. I’m IMMOVABLE on this.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

When Uber drivers ask what I do, I never say that I’m a comedian. I’ve found that makes them skeptical my credit card payment will go through after the ride is over.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

If any of my friends are at the Waterfront Festival in San Diego, please go check out the Adelman Fine Art Booth. Next to the Coors stage. Best selfie gets a Venmo surprise.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Guys that never get laid are always telling guys that do what they need to be doing differently.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

REMINDER: people not finding your joke funny isn’t censorship. It’s just you not being funny and having a victims complex about it.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

I’m looking forward to the Blink 182 reunion. 50-year-olds singing about how girls are weird and high school sucks is my new thing.

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

You ever see someone you’ve been with, with their new person, and they are so gross, it actually lowers your self esteem? Like “ew, am I in the same league with THAT troll person?”

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

My mom was a painter, and often hired nude models to figure paint.

I REALLY wish I had time to explain all this to our waiter, who heard me say to my aunt, at breakfast yesterday, “yeah, I showed a girl I’m seeing some of my mom’s nudes, and she REALLY liked them!”

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Dear Gen Z in the Bass Pro Shop Hats,

You might regret all these photos you’re taking in those one day.

Sincerely,
Von Dutch Hat (2003)

[Ryan Shores @RyanShores138]

Maybe they call their band Ghost, because it makes people yell “Boo!!” 👻