Ryan Wagner

Screenwriter, The movie is always better than the book, Hulkamaniac 4 Life! #TheSimpsons

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

The state of New Hampshire is on its way to becoming the first state to ban the use of lions, tigers, elephants, and other exotic animals in circuses.

Officials also plan to change the state motto to "New Hampshire: Where the Circus Really Sucks."

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

Bart, the eighteen-hundred pound bear, who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie The Edge, reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor.

A small amount of the grizzly's income goes toward the preservation of bears' natural habitat.

Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and cocaine.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year.

Hey, happy birthday Jesus. Hope you like crap!

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

And finally, on a sad note, the entire nation joins us here at Weekend Update in mourning the death of comic legend George Burns.

Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there:

Smoking kills.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars and injured six people.

Which once again proves my theory:

Women can't drive.

[House of the Dragon @HouseofDragon]

The king has returned.

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

This week, supermodel Claudia Schiffer broke up with magician David Copperfield.

Later, a devastated Copperfield wandered out onto the street, and was hit by a bus.

This, according to the current issue of "Things I Wish Really Happened."

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

Baywatch star Pamela Anderson filed for divorce this week from Tommy Lee. Telling friends that, even though they had sex almost constantly, it was not enough to keep Tommy Lee from sleeping with other women.

You can read all about Tommy Lee's exploits in my new book: "Tommy Lee: The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived."

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

And in music news, number one on the college charts this summer was Better Than Ezra.

And, at number two?

Ezra.

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

Pull up a chair, there's something to celebrate! Congratulations to The Simpsons crew on its nomination for Outstanding Animated Program for "Homer? A Cracker Bro?" 💛 Stream on Hulu.

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

A masterclass in missing the point.

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

Dads….Keeping it together with equal parts wisdom and questionable decisions. Happy #FathersDay! 💙

[Norm Macdonald Joke of the Day @NormSNLJokes]

With peanut consumption in the United States down ten percent, the Peanut Advisory Board has decided to launch a six hundred thousand dollar publicity campaign.

Most of the funds will go towards spreading ugly rumors about almonds and cashews.

[MONOPOLY GO! @MonopolyGO]

🤯 D’OH! The Simpsons Season is LIVE, and things are already going off-script.

🍩 Dive into the MONOPOLY D'OH! madness and see how Springfield turned launch day into pure chaos.

🎲 Jump into the story and play now at https://t.co/Wdg66bldxO

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

Mmmmmm… birthday cake. 🎂 Drop a birthday message to Homer👇

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

Great news! The Simpsons continue their adventure with a 100% Quebecois dub, brought to life by our local talent 💙🎉

Season 36 arrives this fall on Noovo.

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

The love for our fans is unmatched 💛 #WorldSimpsonsDay

Stream it all on Disney+ and Hulu.

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

We know what Homer will be doing! 🍻 #NationalBeerDay

[Ryan Wagner @RyanWagnerMania]

Happy Easter!

[The Simpsons @TheSimpsons]

Happy Easter! Reminder: if it’s in a nest, it’s not a part of the egg hunt 🐣