Ryan Patricks

I’m like Wolverine, but instead of claws springing from my hands, it’s mistakes. Maker of word-thingies. US Weekly Bully.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Slack status: Raptured

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

I’d be more embarrassed that I was at a Coldplay concert tbh.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Is there a Narcan for mozzarella sticks?

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

I’m more of an under the influencer.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Any LA followers who need some help. DM me.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Accidentally call a crib “the baby garage” and all of sudden I can’t babysit anymore.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

If a drummer boy showed up to do a drum solo for my sleeping infant as a gift, I’d kill him.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Her: “what are you thinking about?”

My brain: “shirt stains are just food scars.”

Me: “oh… the economy.”

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

If it’s not a total eclipse of the heart, I’m not interested.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Moon getting right in the way like a husband in the kitchen, and everyone all excited.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

*me angrily watching my kid during the Easter egg hunt.

Brain: oh look who suddenly knows how to pick shit up now.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

@meshuggadaddy @saxetniniltiac Aww shucks, mister.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

For Sale: Baby shoes (never worn).

Everything is fine, babies just outgrow stuff fast.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

🍁 Can’t wait for the Fall (of mankind).

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Imagine having the name John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt and some idiot in town has the same fucking name.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Not one investor interested in my movie, “John Wicks Booth.” Unbelievable.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

I want to dance with somebody but I do NOT, under any circumstance, want to feel the heat with somebody. Please advise.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

When the dump you left in your bathroom is so bad that you literally go to jail.

[Ryan Patricks @Ryan_Patricks]

Now that I am married and a parent, I’ll catch myself doing things my dad used to do that I hated.

Like cheating on my wife.