Please don't follow this account. It's depressing and I wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way I do. I just need an outlet that's not my family. I have to pretend to be happy all the time for them.
I realize now, that I don't live for myself at all, I don't care about myself or my own existence, the only reason I even tolerate this miserable existence is because, somehow, apparently, killing myself will hurt my family more than not wanting to be alive...
Jesus fucking christ I hate being alive. I hate it I hate it I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!
The worst thing about Googling any negative emotions is that initial "(insert generic depression/suicide helpline)" it's like there is no actual help for you out there. You have to help yourself.
I was having another mental breakdown the other day and my wife asked if she can do anything to help and the only thing that came to mind was that she could painlessly kill me in my sleep.
I feel so inadequate like I make the lives of people around me so much worse. My mother says it's a chemical imbalance but I just think I'm a demon in a human's body.