Real Talk: So I’ll be doing more video content for my various podcasts. I know it’s great and very much a good decision, but over the past few years I’ve gained weight and people seeing me as I am now makes me uncomfortable. (I feel compelled to explain “why” I gained weight, but I realize that’s my way of trying to soften it for others.)
I’m fully aware that much of my anxiety is self-induced, but it’s anxiety nonetheless. Being a “public” person is something I value, and I’m deeply grateful for the opportunity and to the small but mighty community of people who listen to what I have to say. (Sometimes scream.) Which is why I want to be transparent about what I’m feeling. (These are feelings I don’t easily share with most people.)
I used to do very unhealthy things to be skinny, and I achieved my “goals.” I got crazy skinny. But then I got exhausted trying to be this person I thought I was supposed to be. However, in the process of not caring about being skinny, I somehow became someone I’m attempting to hide from the world. (And yes, I’m in therapy.) I’ve passed on shows, events, in-person opportunities because I don’t want people to see me.
But now I have a deep desire to stop hiding. I’m still anxious and nervous and weird about a lot of things, but I’m f*cking over hiding. I’m taking steps to finding a healthy balance on how I navigate life publicly, both with my body and my mind. But ultimately, I’m trying to get to a place where my self-worth or talent or ability isn’t rooted in how I think people look at me. To quote Carolyn, one of my fave Survivor contestants, “LET ME LIVE!” I’m so ready to live again.
This week we watched The Golden Girls “Vacation” episode with Survivor’s own @CarsonGarrett_, who knows a thing or two about being on a deserted island! (Like the best place to go #2)
Listen to the full episode here: https://t.co/qdJYy1enyO