Accidental SAHM

I got laid off on maternity leave, so now I'm home forever

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Parenthood is the maddening tension between counting the minutes until bedtime and wanting to freeze time forever

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

My brain: Tell me your wildest fantasies, because we’re about to dream!

My dream: There’s a @Chopt my office building!?!

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

6: What do you want for Christmas, Dad?

Husband: Peace and quiet

6: No, Dad, what do you ACTUALLY want?!

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

If you haven’t been locked in a bedroom by your 3-year-old at 7am, are you even a parent?

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

I just volunteered in the preschool where both my kids went for the last time ever. It felt like these toddler years would last forever but suddenly they are just over 💔

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Me while my husband tries to explain nuclear physics as our kids yell and fight around us:

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

As I put shoes on my 6-year-old this morning, I wondered: Could she run away fast from a shooter in these if she had to?

This is the reality of parenting in America. This is not OK.

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Me: Let me dig around for some snacks.

3: Did you say dig?? <Immediately runs outside>

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

“Mommy, you have a big fat tummy!”

3-year-olds are fun.

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Tell me that isn’t wine in my 6-year-old’s self-portrait from school…

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Why do kids wake you up to tell you they’re sleepy

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

6, listening to @MileyCyrus on the way to school: “Hey, it really is a party in the USA today! It’s my best friend’s birthday!”

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

If my toddler wakes me up to tell me he’s sleepy one more time I’m going to lose my shit

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Me: trying to get both kids out of the house by 8am

Husband: now seems like a good time to change the sheets I’ve been ignoring for six weeks

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Is the 3-year sleep regression the last one? Please tell me it’s the last one.

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

My 3-year-old’s ability to eat while pooping is equal parts impressive and disgusting

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Why is “increased anxiety” a symptom of every medical condition that someone who already has increased anxiety would be Googling. That’s just mean.

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

6: Why did they take a boat to get there?

Me: Planes weren’t invented yet.

6: You mean like back in the ‘90s?

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Me: Today we need to finish buying xmas gifts, plan holiday food, and book our spring break trip

Husband: Now seems like a good time to go through that closet I haven’t opened in 5 years

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

Husband: Your hair looks nice

Me: Thanks. I haven’t washed it for 8 days

[Accidental SAHM @SahmAccidental]

When you realize you’re in a power struggle with your 2-year-old and there’s no way out: