sam simpson

don’t have a good day, have a great day

[miri @eggoslug]

I got that deer in me im going to jump in front of your car

[Gabrielle Blair @designmom]

Man: I murdered my wife and three kids because I thought she might leave me, but I don’t cry during movies, so therefore women are the more emotional sex.

[boob dylan @BYUsupersoaker]

its gonna be a Hunter Biden summer (staying away from crack and reminding others that nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes)

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

the boy who initially told me to watch The Boys was maga and like 3 episodes in to season 1 i said they’re making fun of maga yeah?? and he was like “what? no why would you think that” and then he blocked me the next day

i wonder how the final season left him feeling

[𝗜𝗼𝗻𝗶𝗾™𝗗𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 @BionicDance]

Nice attempt to re-write history, but we know what really happened:

Conservatives not only had no idea Homelander was the villain, you all APPROVED of the villainous crap he was pulling.

And when it was undeniable that he's always been the baddie, you were embarrassed.

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

@fool2theworld hehe i begged them and had my baby 8 min after the epidural. in retrospect i did all the hard part i could’ve probably held out for 8 more minutes and did it unmedicated 😂

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

wrong. it was MEDICALLY NECESARRY for me to get an epidural…. because im a sissy and was scared to push out a baby without it

[☘︎ noetic jester ☦︎ @fool2theworld]

Every woman thinks they had an “emergency c-section” and that it was totally necessary.

They also “had” to get the epidural.

Nobody is more delusional than a woman justifying her decisions.

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

me at my desk 36 weeks pregnant after eating lunch

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

Trump is about to hit REM on camera during an Oval Office event. It's just incredible.

[mau @rllydu]

please don’t smoke your strawberry ice vape around my baby. he does not like that flavor

[Cabot Montana @AmanitaFugax]

>tweet that Obama bombed a bus full of children
>check information about event
>it was 2018, Trump was President
>US didn’t drop bomb, Saudis did
>Obama had banned the sale of said bombs to Saudi, Trump reversed ban
>55k views in 1 hour on abject lie

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

the worst

[ɴᴀᴅɪᴀ. @luvblessingz]

Sent an email, Checked it off my to-do list and they responded in less than 5 minutes now I gotta add this to the list again

[maddy catgirlprostate @catgirlprostate]

Just found out about recency bias, it's gotta be the best and most interesting kind of bias

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

Oh you’re Catholic and you disagree with the Pope? Maybe you should make a list of all the things you disagree with. Really dig deep, make it a nice long list. 95 seems like a good number. And then post that list somewhere he can see it, like maybe nailed to a church door.

[Devin Duke @sirDukeDevin]

I keep hearing MAGA influencers saying that the only reason they're questioning Trump these days is because he has "changed."

Donald Trump has been the same grifting, fake Christian, rapist, piece of shit this entire time.

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

meanwhile my bf who is allergic to cats after moving in together:

[JustJared.com @JustJared]

Meagan Good says that she rehomed her cat after falling in love with Jonathan Majors: "I chose the man"

Click ⬇️
https://t.co/FSKePS95Bj

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

that 2nd pregnancy will really have you ready to commit yourself

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

I didn't vote to burn my house down. I just voted to pour gasoline all over everything I own and then handed the keys to Crazy Arson Jim. I thought it would be funny to watch the fumes bother the guy next door, how was I supposed to know this would happen?

[sam simpson @SammyMarie18]

trump can’t be the anti christ to these people bc he’s white lmao

[Mason Mennenga @masonmennenga]

conservative christians have freaked out about the anti-christ coming for years and when he finally got here they voted for him for president!!!!!!!

[Rushi @rushicrypto]

I don't know that words will ever be able to adequately express how insane it feels to sit at a desk and respond to trivial emails while the President of the United States threatens to destroy an entire civilization.

[Eric Michael Garcia @EricMGarcia]

My Cat: Open the Fuckin’ Wet Food, you crazy bastard, or you’ll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.