Samuel Freedman

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

fly trapped in my house, i am not your god

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

when the going gets tough, watch who leaves

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

I've just thought of the best slogan for a toilet paper company

...

cushy for your tushy

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

i feel like a ghost

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

Trying to figure out what "don't stop letting people not help" means when you're sleep deprived is confusing and hilarious 10/10

[Rogue NASA @RogueNASA]

If you're feeling overwhelmed and anxious today, remember that this is Leland Melvin's official NASA picture.

[CJ Werleman @cjwerleman]

Watch this video and then try to describe immigrants in dehumanizing terms such as "waves" or "floods." #MuslimBan

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

so im in the kitchen snacking from two different pots of chumus at once and i can't tell if i've peaked or hit rock bottom

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

i honestly don't know if I'm in the right or wrong but i don't have bad intentions and I'm just trying my best

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

i swear to you my dad burps like homer simpson

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

my room smells like feet and it doesn't even have a nose

...

but if it did, it would run

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

"you're not you when you're hungry"

clever - in other words, the real you is not hungry, aka the real you consumes (ha) their product

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

how much wood would a wood chuck called chuck chuck if chuck the wood chuck had no wood to chuck but would chuck wood if chuck could

none

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

who am i kidding, I'm a wreck

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

my phone may be broken but my spirit is not

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

Raisins are underrated

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

So i just want to say it's dark outside and I thought I saw someone in my garden and that is not okay

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

What a racket

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

Merry christmas u slugs

[Samuel Freedman @SamuelFreedman7]

Chips are a vegetable and that is the story I am sticking to