@sarthebear

Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. 

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

This was a real interaction with a security guard at this Halloween party where I was @PostMalone
Him: I bet you're no good at goodbyes
Me: Yeah, but I'm better now
Him: Well I hope you don't go psycho
Me: Wow
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Someone plz take me golfing. Not bc I want to golf tho, I just have a cute golf fit and want to drink seltzers in a golf cart.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Friend: I'm surprised you're not freaking out about these changed plans. Such growth!
Me: I'm not sure if it's growth so much as, I'm physically just too tired to worry about it.

But whatever we'll take it!

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

To everyone that spells my name with an 'h' after I've sent you an email where my name is correctly spelled, just under my message. Please know that a piece of my soul dies when you do that. #H'sAreEw

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Me: It's only Monday. What do we do?
Tom: Our best

[bonniesmom.eth @lialankford]

me waiting for Netflix to get their shit together so we can watch the love is blind live reunion

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

I u ironically like 'Lips of an Angel' now. So guess that means I'm a boomer.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Belt bags?! No, they're fanny packs. Don't be a coward.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

People always said I seemed older than I was growing up. I think a big part of that was listening to Bonnie Raitt in middle school if a boy didn't like me. #OldSoul

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Drinking diet coke out of the can with a straw is an ✨aesthetic✨

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Oh, things didn't go as I planned? Time to binge eat a baked good!

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

I've got to be on a watch list somewhere for how many times a day I say 'Fuck capitalism.'

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

No one talk to me for the next 24 hours. Minimum.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

My serotonin today is hinging on the delivery of gel pens.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

There is a special place in Hell for people who abuse animals.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

My improv teacher: I once went to a viking funeral for a Guinea pig and sailed him down the Allegheny. He was in a Turner's Tea box. I was on acid.
Today was the first class.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Lemme just take out a second mortgage quick so I can buy one of those Stanley thermoses.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

My Uber driver called me 'kiddo', so the serums are working.

[The Notorious J.O.V. @whotfisjovana]

well dye my hair blue and call me Marge Simpson cause i love you homie

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

Artists streaming Christmas singles and albums exclusively on Apple or Amazon are a joke to me. Like, I'll wait for it to flop and end up on Spotify next year thanks.

[@sarthebear @SarTheBear]

All day: Exhausted
11pm: LET'S FUCKING GOOO