SashimiCatapult

a square peg in a world of round holes

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Just me, or has the Amazon mobile app become terribly sluggish, unresponsive, and repeatedly error-prone. What’s up, @Amazon?

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Hey @Amazon,

Why the ever-living fuck am I seeing ads while watching anything on @PrimeVideo?

I pay in dollars so I won’t have to pay in minutes.

“Customer obsession,” my ass.

Any attempt at rationalization is evidence that this abject customer abuse is condoned.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

What is the correct method of travel to the theater to watch Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning?

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

The uneasy truce between Chuck Norris and the Nokia 3310 continues to this day.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Not 'Tax Day'

It's 'Submit your papers to authorities to avoid the penalty for not proving they took too much or you won't get it back day'

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Smithers: “Let’s make abominable paper lids that splosh everywhere and have no contouring so sipping is impossible.”

Management Mid-Wits: “Smithers, you’re a genius! Get on it right away! Oh! And be sure to coat them with plastic so they can’t be recycled!”

@Starbucks

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Hey @Starbucks,

The new flat paper lids are horrible. How did this design pass any form of user experience testing?

There’s a reason for surface contours that conform to the human form.

I get that you’re trying to avoid plastics.

Paper can be contoured.

Figure it out.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Three weeks into my resolution and, well, I now know why hobbits have such hairy feet, not that I can see them anymore 🤷‍♂️

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Future historians will study the incredible effectiveness of the cow lobby’s efforts to malign bulls. While there is no substantial difference between male and female bovine excrement, negative connotation is only attributed to that of the males’.

Frankly, that’s just bullshit.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

@elonmuskADO 10 + 10 + 10 = 30
5 + 5 + 10 = 20
2+2 + 2+2 + 5 = 13
10/2 + ((5+10+2) x 2) = 39

39 is the answer.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Henceforth, I shall interpret ‘one’ to mean ‘taco’ when greeted by anyone with, “Have a good one!”

Thank you, Randall, random checkout line assistant! Now that I have your permission, I will!

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

11,000 years from now, when future archaeologists discover the remains of our civilization, long gone following the comet impact of 2043, great debates will be waged over the significance of finding only one partially-filled bottle of Worcestershire sauce in each excavated home.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Career advice:

When the VP keeps saying 1000% enthusiastically after everything her favored minions say, don’t be the guy who asks, “Why do you keep saying 10 after everything?”

It won’t go well.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

I’m more of an optional oils kinda guy.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Not 'Tax Day'

It's 'Submit your papers to authorities to avoid the penalty for not proving they took too much or you won't get it back day'

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Spilled coffee all over my lap at the cafe and made quite a mess. The staff were very kind and no else in the shop complained. I feel quite fortunate to live in a place where I can freely espresso myself.

[SashimiCatapult @SashimiCatapult]

Hey @Starbucks,

Find a better way. Please stop taking your cues from battery packaging designs.

Perhaps the perforations are meant to be decorative? Maybe we’re supposed to need to jam our fingers into the rips to extract the card inside.

Total L