Captain Flash

Just trying to not **** up too much

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

When people ask what I’m happiest about with my new apartment some might say it’s the new appliances or the size of the apartment. They’d both be wrong. What I’m happiest about is the fact that I’m 5 min away from Portillo’s

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

If you don’t unironically have Goofy Goober Rock on your Spotify, you didn’t grow up in the 90s

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

I literally just tripped over nothing cuz the gates we have up to prevent the dog from going places was taken down

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

@instant_cool No

[Ron Perlman @perlmutations]

If you’re pissed off about wearing a mask, wait till you hear about seatbelts!

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Have u ever watched a tv character tripping balls and feel like u were tripping right alongside them🤯🤯

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Drinking anything other than coke out of a coke can is so trippy

[Anna Kendrick @AnnaKendrick47]

I don’t know enough to speak on a lot of this, but I know angsty suburban white boys. If you want to break shit to live out your teenage anarchist fantasy, do it on your own time. If you think you’re doing that shit to show how MUCH u care about black lives, ur deluding yourself.

[MCU Fanatics @MCU_Fanatics]

CONTEST: Re-Tweet this and follow us for a chance to win a $150 Amazon Gift card to stock up on stuff to keep you entertained during lockdown! Winner notified via DM on 05/31.

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

I just went from my work screen to my phone screen. God I need help 🤦‍♂️

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Leaving work, do u ever feel like u just spent the entire day staying at ur screen without blinking 👀 👀 👀

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Have you ever had a dream that was so sad that you woke up crying?

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

@tooth_merchant I’ll speak at ur funeral and tell the story of how stupid u were. It might be long

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Someone brought Portillo for the office so I got to eat Portillo cake at work two days in a row

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

@deegeedubs No. His first name is Dr.

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

@schoellsami 🖕

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Me: “Can u give me a ride to Grandma’s house.” Sister: “I have work and want to go to Starbucks.” Me: “Ok. It’s fine.” Also Me: Sees my sister drive past Grandma’s house. So 🖕

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

@schoellsami That’s why Netflix is better

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

Don’t you hate when your doing something productive but then you get sleepy so you go to bed but can’t fall asleep

[Captain Flash @SchoellTyler]

The beauty of this is that u won’t understand until u watch the movie