Charles Porteous

When people ask me if I'm a stand up comedian I tell them only if I'm funny otherwise I'm just a really awkward public speaker.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I've never had a problem with Travelodge in the past, but the one in Sydney NS, Canada has disappointed me. The first room had mold above the shower and the next room had more gross stains. Please give me back my points I used on this health hazard. #refundplease #travelodge

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I just paid to take an IQ test so already I failed.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

Wrestlemanimeh

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

My pronouns are he/him. My proverbs are strike while the irons hot/honesty is the best policy.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

What do people x here nowadays?

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

If you love someone let them go. If they come back to you it's Stockholm syndrome.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I’m looking for extra work over the next two weeks to crush some debt!

Will: Host your event, shovel your snow, or even break up with your partner for you.
I won’t: Lift >50lbs, dig 6ft holes, be a getaway driver, or take my clothes off.
​Mostly legal, high determination.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

Have you ever come across a toddler that makes you appreciate the highway scene in 'Pet Cemetery'?

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I was in Newfoundland last year and they 'screeched' me in. One of the things I had to do was kiss a cod. I wasn't sure which one of us was being catfished.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I'm starting to say things my dad slurs.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I'm convinced that Mr Beast is the real life Riddler.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

My life would be a lot easier if I was way more delusional and way less well hung.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I'm thankful that I'm Canadian. Only teasing American friends and crushes. Enjoy your turkey dinner.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

@stevis78 I don't know with Jet Skis you know theirs definitely not going to be chest hair.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I still don't see the parallel between stuffing one's face into a pair of breasts and jet skis.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

How does one live vicariously? I'm asking for a friend.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you it's likely the Stockholm syndrome.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

Nothing more embarrassing than getting 'yeet' confused with 'skeet'. The cleaning crew at the arena was very cross with me.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

I'm 42 years old and still don't understand bras or thermostats.

[Charles Porteous @ScottPorteous]

My dick is like Brock Lesnar, it only comes out a few times a year.