Scotty Cav

I tell jokes. I own a cat. I also have sleep apnea.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Doctor: Scott, are you sexually active?

Me: Doc, I’m not even… active… we’re doing subcategories on active now?

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Went to Wienerschnitzel last night. I had a corn dog, a chili dog, a Chicago dog, chili fries, an Oreo milkshake, and six jalapeño poppers. And I wasn’t full at all… should I be concerned?

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

I’m not balding, I’m forehead maxing.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Artemis mission, 477,000 miles… mission complete.

Me to the gym, 1 mile… mission failed.

We’re gonna try again tomorrow… pending weather, fuel, and vibes.

#Artemis_ll

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Girl: I’m allergic to horses.
Me: Does it make you feel unstable…
Girl: Not funny
Me: Sorry, I like to stirrup trouble…

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

On a diet at conveyor belt sushi. And now I finally understand what it’s like for a dog chasing cars.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

For the amount I have to spray my cat with a squirt bottle. I’m starting to think the Little Freak likes it…

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

The great thing about dieting through the years is, you get really good at taking “before” photos.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

I could not figure out why I couldn’t fall asleep last night. Then it dawned on me…

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

How much candy do the guys who found the Airman get? #Easter

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

The tier of Hulu that I can afford ONLY shows ads.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Friend: How are you doing Scotty?
Me: You tell me…

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Girl on date: Do you like electronics in the bedroom?
Me: Oh… I need electronics in the bedroom…

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

My doctor asked me if I’m sexually active… “I was like Doc, I’m not even… active…” We’re doing sub categories on active now?

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Do any of my comic friends know how to submit to the Tehran comedy festival?

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

U.S. Army is raising its maximum enlistment age from 34 to 42.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

One week left to achieve my Q1 weight loss goal of 50 lbs. And just 55 lbs to go!

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Went skiing for the first time in 10 years. It went downhill fast.

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

ICE on The Pitt and somehow Ogilvie is still the most hatable. #thepitt

[Scotty Cav @ScottyCavComedy]

Met a girl who loves gardening
Asked if she botany plants lately
She smiled…
So now I’m rooting for us