Tim

Editor-in-Chief of Panda Fancy magazine

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

*Our 3 year old after laying the largest shit I have ever seen resting in the toilet*
Him: “Aren’t you so proud I did that?”
Me: “It’s a lot”
Him: “I feel good”

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@FakeNickCarter @rico_w Bag of beers in the Dunkin parking lot.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

Gonna create a show where regular crabs try to give horseshoe crabs makeovers, get super mad when it doesn’t go well and the horseshoe crabs just think it’s hilarious. What’s that? Yea, I’ve been drinking why do you ask?

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@rico_w I didn't know Peter Cetera had 474 songs

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

My Father’s Day gift is getting is drunk in the pool. 10/10

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

5 year old: why do they call them the colds when they make you feel hot?
Me: I…I don’t know.
*sitting in silence remainder of the car ride*

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

I’m gonna try to get everyone to call a Jameson Orange and Sprite a Spray Tan. It’s good by the way.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

If anyone needs me I’ll be drinking this ulcer in a can. Also I have to be driving a jet ski while drinking this correct?

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@rico_w What the fuck is happening in Wyoming?

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@TheKyleSolomon Well that was rage inducing

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

My wife and I are coaching our son’s soccer team. They came up with the team name which is The Dragon Lions. All pro sports team names should be picked by a panel of 5 year olds.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@tynigh Is it as a What We Do In The Shadows reference?

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

They should make an anti-gas pill called Be Still My Fart.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

The plural of house should be hice.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

@rjbrenn The only case he can’t solve is climate change…also who keeps killing all these damn birds!

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

Our 5 year old really wants an ATV so he can be “a forest detective”. No idea what that is but I’m sure he’ll be the first.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

Also, not getting an ATV any time soon

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

Watching Polar Express with our 2 year old. He’s a bit nervous that they aren’t going to make it to the North Pole. I don’t think we are going to watch Die Hard next.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

I have an idea for movie where yogurt and pudding set aside their rivalry to take down ice cream. Oatmeal is there to, he a health nut or some shit. I approached Pixar but they said “I am trying to have dinner with my family you weirdo” so I guess I have to go to work tomorrow.

[Tim @ScreamingTimmy]

I already told you, I thought PCP stood for Peaceful Calm Pill, and that is why I fought your car dealership’s inflatable gorilla. The real crime is his sign says “we don’t monkey around with high prices”…gorillas aren’t monkeys you assholes!