Scrumpledorph

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Pup play gotten boring? Looking for ways to spice up your polycule? Try hamster play!
How to play: get two or more subs
put them in a sizeable space (McMansion or larger)
they beat the shit out of each other every time they come across one another
fight must end before mom sees.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

The people of Gotham used to be able to roam the streets safely without fear of being attacked with a deadly and horrific gas based nerve agent. Now they can't. Because of Joke.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Eating a roguelike salad (each bite is randomized) with deckbuilding elements (stirring the ingredients is kind of like shuffling) to give me the energy to exercise (no relation to videogames).

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Can't afford to go to see a doctor about my diet problems so I joined a scat fetish forum and got three dozen PhDs to pay for the pleasure of diagnosing me. #hustle #grindset

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Just got done with a samurai duel, but unfortunately the delayed cut trope has gotten so exaggerated that neither of us will know who won for another 7-10 business days, when the other erupts into an explosion of blood that could fill a dozen elephants, so we have to hang out.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

@tredlocity The Commission of Dorian Graymuzzle.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

@tredlocity 'Hasbro wants a new BG3 on half the budget in a quarter the time.'

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Getting out of the shower feels so good, when you get the little HUD popup that lets you know that your 'clean penis' buff has activated.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

@tredlocity The titty mods are cut content from New Vegas that Bethesda didn't give them time to properly implement (they have a 1/15 chance to glitch out and crash the game on loading screen transition)

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

@tredlocity They're petrified at the prospect of any of their characters getting enough unique lore for someone to try to pull a Ken Penders, so they have extremely strict guidelines as to what they're allowed to do. The comic originals get a lot more leeway as I understand.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Tried to make the foreigner who just rolled into the saloon feel welcome by offering to play a little five finger filet with him, but when I pulled out my knife to demonstrate he pulled an inch of his sword out, put it back, and then all my fingers popped off. Damn Irishman.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Tried to get protest fired from my job as a D&D writer by submitting 'Volo's Guide To Phrenology' but it's actually the best selling character creation book in 5E's run.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Dishonorably discharged for fragging my whole squad after my IBS got the better of me in the field and they changed my callsign to the ace of sharts.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

My fool proof idea to resurrect Star Wars again: there's a lightsaber that's got like a fifteen foot long blade called the longsaber. Darth Borderlinepersonalitydisorder wants it, and it takes him 30 hours of screentime across 5 series' to get it. Then Luke Skywalker kills him.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

William Shakespeare after watching 2.5 seconds of a Jerma stream: All the world's a chat, and all the men and women merely doing a bit.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Been fending off seemingly endless waves of Jesuhitmen after suggesting to @Pontifex that for how much they get in donations the least the Vatican could do is open up a lesbian onlyfans convent. (we hang out on MySpace)

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Ruined the threesome my girlfriend spent like two months planning by going 'uwaah, isnt this like an indirect kiss? >3<' when the other guy went down on her after me.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

@BimByte Denim and leather are not enemies. They are in fact making out sloppy style, squishing boobs together, et cetera. So on and so forth. https://t.co/gXE3Jky0Ms

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Got isekai'd, but not to save their world from anything; it was actually my karmic reward for posting so good. In this world of eternal inter-species warfare there's no shortage of bereaved centuries old widows who are looking to drown their grief in brief 40 year trysts.

[Scrumpledorph @Scrumpledorph]

Securing the petty criminal vote in my local election by blaming the fact that most people are too poor to be worth mugging on neoliberal upward wealth extraction.