Sean Becker

All tweets dictated, but not read.

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

DRUG DEALER: You a cop?
COP: Nah I ain't a cop
DRUG DEALER: Then how come your dialogue in this tweet is labeled "cop"?
COP: Ah fuck

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

really just trying to live my life in a way that gets me a Wikipedia photo like Morton Downey’s

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[thanksgiving dinner where Eddie Murphy is playing all of my family members]

ME (sobbing): please just tell me what you did to them

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

a psychic in Brooklyn told me I was going to “go to the Grand Canyon with a woman named Angie from San Francisco this year” and I gotta say that’s a big swing on a guy who knows 0 Angies and it’s already August

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

GENIE (sighing): you have one left, please don’t wish for anything weird

ME (standing with six Art Garfunkels): okay so you know the band Simon and Garfunkel?

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[I’ve traveled back in time to 1720]

JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH: do they still play the harpsichord in the future?

ME: only Vampire Weekend sometimes

JS BACH: Vampire We-

ME: do you want to try texting and driving?

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

FRIEND: you know the Muffin Man?

ME: yeah he lives on Drury Lane.

FRIEND: how do you know that?

ME (showing him google results on my phone): he’s a registered sex offender

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[wine tasting in new orleans]

ME (Cajun accent): I’m gettin’ hints of gator and…king cake?

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[first date]

HER: well, I’m still hung up on my ex from college. Do you have any baggage?

ME: it has recently come to my attention that I have been under a voodoo curse due to my actions in early 2015

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[flirting in the year 1600]

HER: so what type of music do you like?

ME: all of it, there’s only like 8 songs

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

@BringDaNoyz the gritted through teeth complement is my favorite

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[scooby doo]

FRED: an abandoned amusement park, should we stop gang?

SCOOBY: ruh roh

DENNIS FARINA: there’s no goddamned seatbelts in this friggin’ van

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

ROOMMATE: hey man did you go into my room and touch The Forbidden Ankh?

ME (floating and covered in glowing hieroglyphics): …no?

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

[Hitler is using a Time Machine to come forward in time and kill me]

HITLER (w/ gun): Prepare to die!

ME (muttering): this isn’t how it’s supposed to work

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

me (drunk with a gun): fuck you, muppet

yoda (also drunk with a gun): first rodeo, this ain’t my

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

(You need to know the Herman Melville story Bartleby the Scrivener and ESPN commentator Stephen A Smith for this joke)

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

STEPHEN A SMITH: LeBron is my #1 of all-time. No disrespect to the legends, but when it comes to scriveners, Bartleby is a close #2

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

ME: what’s that big wrench for?

COLONEL MUSTARD: dinner party

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

I will just repost this with a country you don’t know from Formula 1 if you all keep this up

[Sean Becker @Sean_Becker]

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?