Brother Ben

#BillsMafia Gooble Gobble, One Of Us...

[Brother Ben @SentenceReduced]

Instead of drinking myself to death I'm thinking pancakes are the way to go.

[Darlin’ Darla @Darlainky]

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

[Rebel Soul @ThisRebelSoul]

That scene from Office Space where they drag the copy machine outside with a baseball bat…

only it’s me and my Twitter search link.

[JOHNNY KAUFMAN @pdxjohnny99]

If this world devolves to the point that they reboot Goodfellas I'm gonna just shed a tear or two and eat the barrel.

[Not Hot. Not Bothered. @hunbothered]

You’re not OCD because you have an organized kitchen, Brenda. Let’s talk when it has taken you hours to leave your house because you need to keep checking doors and appliances.

[John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets]

Big Bird’s friends refusing to believe in Mr. Snuffleupagus introduced stress and anxiety into my life at an early age, so thanks for that, Sesame Street.

[Bandersnaaatch @Bandersnaaatch]

Cats know nothing of daylight savings… they just think I’m late with breakfast. Again.

[Shade 5 🎬 @Shader70]

Not big on resolutions but I’m going to do everything I can to get back into those pants again.

I’m talking about your pants.

[𝓶♡ @Love_bug1016]

dear 2022, let this be the year we laugh more, fuck more, and mentally struggle less

[💀SpookyLittleComic👻 @CunniLinguist77]

I got a souvenir from the museum. Not the gift shop. They have really good toilet paper.

[Nuclear Pasta @nuclearpasta_]

[AT WORK]

Coworker # 1: Good morning!!

Me: [*Swipes left]

Coworker # 2: Guess what I’m doing this weekend?

Me: [*Swipes left]

Coworker # 3: Can I get you coffee and a donut?

Me: [*Swipes right]

[SondraDee @SondraDeeMe]

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I'm just patting him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire.

[Luz Joy @LuzJoy2]

I want to be this little snowflake that twirls in the wind. Then melt in a mountain stream and travel from river to river to the ocean to hear the sweet song of the mermaids.

[ᗰᎥⓢᵗƳ @skedaddle74]

I have a personal piñata planted in my brain.

[cathryn 💚🇨🇦 @AngryRaccoon2]

More like Auld Lang SIGH

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

a global pandemic may be ruining the remainder of my twenties but it also hasn’t canceled my student debt

[Ginger @gingerbrigade1]

Be your own moral compass.

[Forward March @RunOldMan]

I was about to say fuckit and go to the store then remembered it's cold out and too peoply too.