Shane Lawyer

The Law Offices of T.S.&J.
Crisis Management Attorney
Class Action Defense Lawyer

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo TS&J is working through the night to determine the best legal response to the catastrophic toilet failure and emergency evacuation of Sunny Acres.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@realThomasLight @RealDrDiablo Ward closures are now in progress.

All Sunny Acres residents are advised to remain calm and follow the instructions of emergency personnel. You are in good hands.

Additional updates will be provided as the situation develops.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo @CornNuts The emergency plumber has arrived and forwarded us this photo. Due to the extent of the damage, Sunny Acres Retirement Home has been declared a Disaster Area. The Governor’s Office has been notified and is evaluating whether a State of Emergency is warranted.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo @CornNuts An emergency plumber has been dispatched. While we remain optimistic, the jury is still out on whether the toilet will make a full recovery. Thoughts and prayers are with the porcelain.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo At this time there is no evidence that the earthquake was caused by aliens. The aliens, if involved, have retained counsel and are declining to comment.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo After reviewing the situation, TS&J can confirm that screaming “WE HAVE TO GO!” while pointing a phone at employees is not recognized by any emergency management agency as an evacuation protocol

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo We have advised Dr. Diablo that an earthquake occurring in San Jose does not require the immediate evacuation of Sunny Acres. He is currently attempting to start a resident convoy anyway.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo We have advised Dr. Diablo that “crashing out” is not an approved response to a lack of extraterrestrial visitation. At this time, all UFOs entering Sunny Acres airspace are requested to make contact immediately to prevent unnecessary incidents.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo We have advised our client that not every circular object requires public clarification. He has declined further counsel and is now on his fourth cup of Morning Fire™.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo Any resemblance between a coronal hole and our client’s medical photography is purely coincidental. TS&J strongly recommends future image uploads be reviewed by literally anyone before posting.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo The evacuation order remains under review. At this time, residents are encouraged to continue Bingo Night unless reality is torn asunder before 7 PM.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo We have advised our client that a coronal hole does not, in fact, constitute a legal basis for declaring martial law at Sunny Acres. He has ignored our advice and appointed Nurse Dicky Moe as Supreme Reality Coordinator.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo TS&J EMERGENCY ADVISORY:
After reviewing the available evidence, we have determined the “transequatorial coronal hole” is still less concerning than Dr. Diablo having unrestricted access to a smartphone and a Maxim magazine. Please remain calm.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo @TheBigVacuum97 We have instructed our client that relationships are generally considered partnerships and not unpaid internships.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo @TheBigVacuum97 The Law Offices of TS&J have advised our client that “critique and supervise” is not generally considered a recreational activity.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo We have advised Dr. Diablo that “offline storage” traditionally refers to external hard drives and not framed self-portraits.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo The Law Offices of TS&J have reviewed the photograph and determined that while embarrassing, it does not meet the legal definition of a leak when the client voluntarily hangs it on a wall and shows it to visitors.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo As Dr. Diablo’s attorneys, we are exploring every available legal remedy, including blaming the frame manufacturer, the photographer, and modern art itself.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo TS&J advises the public that this image should be regarded as an artistic expression and not as an admission, confession, endorsement, product demonstration, or cry for help.

[Shane Lawyer @ShaneSuffriti]

@RealDrDiablo @realThomasLight As your attorneys, we remind you that TS&J is available 24/7. Whatever “got out” last night, please do not attempt to force it back in until legal counsel has reviewed the facts.