Bette

I'm a crazy mom of six annoying children.

[Dina Armstrong @DinaDmrej]

@ShitBetteSays Screw the mattress!

[Dina Armstrong @DinaDmrej]

That thing did not got in the hole, I swear it didn't go in the hole, what that in the hole @ShitBetteSays #playingcornhole

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Wine just makes me so happy.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Oooh. Put a bra on lady, JESUS. 🎼Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to the floor🎶 #MemorialDayParade

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Look at that sloppy crew! Well, they won't be going to the Rose Bowl! #MemorialDayParade

[Alli G @allisongig]

Mom called- "what are you doing?" Me "watching an HBO documentary on Scientology" mom "oh cool are you thinking of joining?" @ShitBetteSays

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Ahggg! These limes got my nuts wet.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Let's take a group hug selfie!!!!

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

I actually feel really bad about eating chicken. They really do have personalities.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

I always think I'm going to go vegetarian for Lent but then someone gets a rotisserie chicken and I'm like nah....

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Go get lucky!!!

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

You can give it to your kids when they've had a little too much sugar, just sprinkle a little pot on their food and they'll mellow out.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

You can use it as a spice. Instead of oregano, just go around and sprinkle some marijuana on your pasta. In like a pepper grinder.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

I seriously only have two ugly things in my suitcase. I packed in five minutes. But I have three bottles of wine. PRIORITIES!

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

What is this?
*holds up item across kitchen*
You know. The orange fruit. What is it?

(It was a mango)

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Who wants some of my homemade almond milk? Oh, no, sorry, I'm drinking it all.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

They're in a four floor walk up! It's like walking to my third floor - ONLY WORSE.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

Lobsters and ruffles. That's my dream meal.

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

I'm on a clear liquid diet. Pinot... Vodka...

[Bette @ShitBetteSays]

So glad to be over the twenties drama. I really don't want to get cancer because I like my life right now.