ShitMyHusbandSays

He's full of one-liners and no sense of social media. Someone has to record the shit this man says. #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

I’m drinking for 3. And then, I’ll have to drink for 2 until the kid’s old enough to drink. It’s gonna be hard, but I’m up for it. 👍🏻🍻 #dadoftheyear #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

I'm always the big spoon. Even if I'm in front, I'm always the big spoon. #shitmyhusbandsays #marriage

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

This headache is my mistress, it comes and goes as it pleases. 😏#shitmyhusbandsays #mansick

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

That's why I will not accept getting old- I don't want my medication to conflict with my drinking 🍻#shitmyhusbandsays #ThursdayThoughts

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

If you get mad at me today, just remember the bacon I fed you in bed this morning. #happythoughts #randomactsofbacon #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

*Clank*
Husband: Shut Up.
Wife: I didn't say anything!
Husband: I'm telling your thoughts to shut up...
#shitmyhusbandsays #marriage

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

My strategy for towing a trailer is the exact same as that of raising a child- just act like it's not even there. #shitmyhusbandsays #men

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

No, we had sex Yesterday. I know, I have a chart... Of GOLD Stars! ⭐️👊🏻 #shitmyhusbandsays #overachiever

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

I gotta pee... Babe, we got 99miles and a bathroom break ain't one! 😳 #shitmyhusbandsays #roadtrip #yikes

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

Me: Hold on, I'm putting perfume on... Hubs: Why? Just drink bourbon, you'll smell even better! #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

"Leaving less to the imagination, and somehow making me imagine more... " #shitmyhusbandsays #men

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

Me: I just needed a mental break.
Hubs: Sometimes your breaks are like vacations... Get back to work.
#hemighthaveapoint #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

Equal rights: men should have couches in their bathrooms too! #bathroomdesign #men #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

The world is your oyster today- crack it open, slurp it up.... #shitmyhusbandsays #wtf

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

I'm gonna get my kid a swag coach from a very early age- like at 2 or 3. Probably a cool black guy from the cigar bar! #shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

The problem is sometimes there aren't legal options to do the things you want. #shitmyhusbandsays #commonproblems

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

It's not gambling if you're winning. #shitmyhusbandsays #boys

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

Just woke up the hubs...
Me: I can't believe you fell asleep with this bowtie on.
Hubs: I was classy sleeping ;)
#shitmyhusbandsays

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

You're gonna get early arthritis, thumbritus... Insta-ritus ;) #shitmyhusbandsays #smmproblems #smm

[ShitMyHusbandSays @ShitTheHubsSays]

Mmm, smells like manufacturing & America! #DeWalt #woodshop #shitmyhusbandsays #merica