Shrew Untamed

I wish I was a hen because I'm sick of paying for eggs. (Comedy)

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#WhenBeingAHouseGuestDont shit on the bed, then blame it on a dog they don't have. Or suggest watching "Cats" together.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

How do I convert my cat to Judaism? I don't think he's jumpy enough.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#RudeQuestions Very unfortunate that your wife died. Did you kill her or...?

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

Easy way to get fired if you're sick of your office job - remove your inbox from your desk. When someone comes by asking where your inbox is, point at your most inappropriate orifice and say "HERE's my inbox." #WorkTip #OfficeProfessional #careergoals

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#MLKDay MLK died fighting for what he believed in. He set a perfect example for why you don't get overinvested in things.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

I am so bad with technology that today I had to describe to a coworker the kind of gif I wanted to send her. Using words. #GIF #gifs

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#SeduceSomeoneIn4Words I never watched GOT.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#DiscontinuedHotPockets Jim Gaffigan Flavor

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#StupidQuestionsForIntroverts Hey, do you want to go speed dating? Maybe you'll meet someo-- hey where are you going? Hey! Hey! Heyyyyyy!

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#StupidQuestionsForIntroverts What did you think of the surprise party I threw you? Wasn't it great how all those people you haven't talked to in years suddenly jumped out in your living room after you came home from a long day of work?

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#StupidQuestionsForIntroverts So, if you could be trapped on a desert island with any 500 people of your choosing, who would they be?

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#StupidQuestionsForIntroverts I signed you up for that open mic night to get you out of your shell... wait, why are you glaring at me?

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

Did you know a Litter Genie can grant wishes? All you have to do is wish for cat turds. #LitterGenie #CatLitter #Cats #CatsMovie

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

When I was growing up my favorite position was 69 because I didn't have to look at my uncle's face. #SexPositions

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#BadAdviceForNewParents Make sure you argue in front of your child, then force them to pick a side. Good training if you want them to grow up to be a judge.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#BadAdviceForNewParents Tell your child it's okay to make fun of other kids at school by giving them demeaning nicknames, as long as the nicknames are clever, rhyme, use alliteration and/or are funny.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#BadAdviceForNewParents You want to find a baby that loves you more than you love them.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

#BadAdviceForNewParents Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

I just bought a ticket to see the Blue Man Group on tour. I guess you can say I "blue" myself. When I say that, it means I spent too much money. #bluemyself #BlueManGroup #SegerstromCenterForTheArts

[Shrew Untamed @ShrewyB]

Poop Fiction #RuinًAMovieWithOneَWord