Simon J. Craddock

Married bloke, self-employed planning consultant, all views are my own (probably) and it's fine to disagree with me

[Simon J. Craddock @SimonJCraddock]

@Grant_Colgate My brother has a whiskey room. Thought it sounded a bit of a waste of space, but is surprisingly nice. Think big old leather desk, Chesterfield sofa, old style drinks cabinet, oil paintings, cigar and lots of books type thing.

[S★ @xxyllinn]

I don’t want to "download the app" to pay for parking. I don’t want to "create an account" to see a menu. I don’t want to "provide feedback" on a 30-second interaction. I just want to exist in the physical world without a digital leash.

[🤍𝕁𝕆🤍 @jomickane]

🤣🤣

[Simon J. Craddock @SimonJCraddock]

Miming, or just delayed? #jenniferhudson #worldcup

[Val Dobson @ValDobson]

JK Rowling and Ricky Gervaise.
Both are mega-millionaire celebrities, both give most of their money away, both refuse to believe that people can change sex and are very vocal about it.
Only one of them gets inundated with thousands of death/rape threats and has had to employ tight security as a result.
Gosh, I wonder what the difference is? It's a mystery...

[Natalie Rowe @RealNatalieRowe]

🤔 So he pranced down the Rd, didn’t think he’d quite executed the prancing correctly, so then the twat did it all over again. #NigelFaragePrancing

[Matt Lucas HQ @RealMattLucas]

good morning

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

You know what annoys me is when you go round to someone's house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door.

9 times out of 10 they don't even have a bouncy castle.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting, "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

[Simon J. Craddock @SimonJCraddock]

#farage resigning to restand gains what exactly, besides costing the tax payer considerably? #byelection #clacton

[The Secret Barrister 🦋 @BarristerSecret]

The only effective response to the USA’s breathtaking corruption is for the remaining countries to walk away. Let them have their own football “World Series” where the only entrants are from the US, and the only international spectator is Infantino.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

I wanted to have a nice summer body for people to look at…

But I realized I like food more than I like people.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

Why do we say 'slept like a baby'? Babies wake up every two hours crying.

I want to sleep like my cat. 14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.

[God @TheTweetOfGod]

Will the owners of a blue planet between Venus and Mars please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

[Anon Opin. @anon_opin]

The correct exchange rate is one Pound to two Dollars, three Marks, and ten Francs. The sooner banks realise this and return to those rates the better.

[Simon J. Craddock @SimonJCraddock]

@ukboomers @BBCNews You clearly ARE one of the lucky ones if any repair on your Porsche costs just £900, I mean it's not even a single month rent on a one bedder is it? Perhaps you missed a zero off your tweet in your upset 😜 .

[Anon Opin. @anon_opin]

People who don't work from home are blissfully unaware of the uncanny ability of delivery drivers to turn up at the very moment when the only person in the house is in the middle of having a shit.

[🇬🇧King 🇬🇧 @King0243_PJC]

Farage on #BBCBreakfast: “If Andy Burnham becomes PM we need a General Election, no mandate!”

Sally Nugent: “Do your MPs who defected from the Tories have a mandate?”

Watch the chancer’s face as his own logic gets rammed straight back down his throat. Pure gold.

This is the exact line every interviewer should use on him from now on.😂😂😂

RT if Sally Nugent deserves a medal 👇👇👇👇

[John Collins @Logically_JC]

“They begged to have a picture with me.”