Simon Townsend

Writer of original gags, flash fiction and insanely funny short poems. A sort of cross between Tim Vine and John Hegley. Oh, I run a greetings card company too.

[BAFTA @BAFTA]

Huge congratulations to this year's BAFTA Young Presenters competition winners, 11-year-old Sam and 15-year-old Hana, who wowed the judges with their confidence and composure when interviewing @aliplumb and @angellicabell 🎙️

Sam and Hana will join us for a year of exciting presenting opportunities and mentoring.

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Is this the new Taylor Swift? #TaylorSwift
https://t.co/er2msLlm7a

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Number 10 partied while businesses elsewhere thoughtfully respected covid rules to abide by the law. The biggest public outrage should be the stark contrast and breathtaking arrogance of no-one in government giving these parties a second thought. #BorisJohnsonResign

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Is this the easiest game show on earth? #GameOfTalents

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Proving why chatbots may never replace humans.. #chat #chatbots

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@SteveDennis71 @HawkesworthAnne @GLedwi If that'd happened on my patch it would definitely have been my front pager for the Wharfedale edition of the T&A! Can I have a comment Anne? 😉

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

A giant duck dropped by this evening #quackers

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Who are those daytime TV ladies who dive into toilets?
Loo swimming?
Yes, that's them.

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Looking forward to the arguments in years to come when people look back on this year. "Remember 2020? Terrible year."
"No, idiot, it was 2019, even the virus was named after it, stupid."

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@JamesBlunt Monsters is a masterclass in songwriting. Every word counts. It's truly sublime. https://t.co/kz146sclJH

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@googleanalytics is your 2020 core update affecting GTM and GA? My chat events have stopped triggering in GA. Related?

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Worst condiment, ever
https://t.co/kn1epcgXMm

[Nick Harvey @mrnickharvey]

Worst kebab ever.

[The New Statesman @NewStatesman]

Nowhere, even in a town as neighbourly as Barrow, does anyone stand on the street clamouring for the local evening paper. The game is up, writes Matthew Engel. https://t.co/fVDXU9u8fR

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@NissanUK Thanks, will do.

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@NissanUKPR @NissanUK I'd appreciate an explanation as to why you took my brand new Qashqai to fix a faulty clutch at a franchise 50 miles away and now expect me to pick it up. A 3-hour round trip when the local Nissan aftercare centre is 20 mins away. Appalling customer service!

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

@NissanUK Already done that, Maciej, they sent me away with a flea in my ear. Apparently their time is more valuable than mine.That's why I've resorted to Twitter...

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

No, they don't

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

Cannabis company stocks are on a high, I see.

[Simon Townsend @SimonTownsend68]

An archaeologist has dug up an ancient pair of spectacles on farming land. What amazing depth of field.