Heather_the_Hilarious

Fat. Sexy. Funny. She/her Bisexual SWer/comedian Cum, laugh with me

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Fighting off the Monday blues by going to my happy place ⛓

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I spent a buncha time writing a really emotional biography for my biography on my business website and then my sister asked chat GBT to write one and I like it better. This is how the robot revolution starts.

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I’m been so obnoxiously single lately I haven’t taken a nude in months.

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I wish I was a lesbian and not just a dickmatized bisexual

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I hate when you’re sucking dick so good and you’re so proud of yourself you want to smile really big but the smile gets in the way of properly deep throating #justsluttythings

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Me unplugging my vibrator to plug my laptop in for therapy #selfcare

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Not to be too horny or anything but, creampie me?

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

“So sorry I interrupted you”
“No it’s ok I’ve been talking for 27 days”

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I am literally going to get off to him administering the Voight-Kampff test. Talk about overcumming my imposter syndrome

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Things I didn’t know I needed to know: Harrison Ford’s voice is on the original Bladerunner soundtrack. Thank god I charged my vibrator earlier holy fuck.

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Come touch my butt or whatever

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

My favorite thing about being a sugar baby is knowing how upset it would make my deadbeat biological father to know that’s what I do. Maybe if you paid your child support sir we wouldn’t be here. But also I get off on power so probably still be here anyway but with less struggle

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

My friend texted me a meme I really am struggling not to text to my ex I haven’t spoken to in like 6 years. Dude comes out of my bathroom on our first date and goes “I just need to set some expectations because I cannot compete with that thing you have in there” magic 👅 tho 😮‍💨🤤

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

You ever think to yourself like “damn I could be wifed tf up rn if I had a higher threshold for dealing with men’s bullshit” I’d rather be a slut on my own terms thanks.

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

My villain origin story is going to feature a little dick vanilla ass white dude that I have inexplicably fallen in love with refusing to go down on me

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Just looking for my cursed Prince Adam to my post sunset Princess Fiona. #monsterfucking

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

I know I’m not as hot as I was in high school because I date guys who are 5’10” now

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Look at this cute af selfie, you can’t even tell I look awful all the time

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

Tell tale sign of being a slutty squirter: After a successful bang I will buy my sexual partner a waterproof mattress cover as an offering of future pussy

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

If you had the chance to Fuck in a museum after hours what exhibit would you fuck in front of

[Heather_the_Hilarious @SlightlySaneHP]

“So I started working at a float spa and I tried it for the first time as part of my training.”
“Did you get an erection?”
“Heather what the fuck”