The Slug Report

The latest news delivered at a slug's pace.

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“Giving the Kentucky Derby's star athletes ridiculous names is all part of the marketing machine. But I'm three years old, and I deserve respect, dammit.”

Article: https://t.co/6NNToOPgG5
#kentuckyderby #satire

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

The U.S. Mint officially cancelled penny production last month, marking the end of its 232-year run.

“How does a coin even commit sexual assault?” asked one #MeToo denier.

Full article: https://t.co/H59Dztq9fd

#satire #comedy #NFL #Christmas #penny #Heisman

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“Oh, so if a cartoon bear walks around without pants or underwear it’s totally fine and cute, but a 33-year-old man does it and suddenly it’s a crime?” grumbled Burke.

Full article: https://t.co/vODvaqe4Mq

#satire #Halloween #Halloween2025 #comedy #Halloweencostume

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“We were going to do this back in the '60s, but then Jane Goodall traveled to Tanzania and saved your parasitic asses,” said Banjo, a chimp representing Rwanda.

Article: https://t.co/ZcSWdwWd0C
#satire #JaneGoodall

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“They’re teaching him things I’ve never even heard before — why would I trust any of that garbage?” questioned Sanders, having read zero books since graduating high school in 2005.

Full article: https://t.co/LBaN4i9DD4
#satire #theonion #comedy #education

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“They took me away from my family heirlooms!” complained the Grouch, referring to dirty diapers, plastic bottles full of dip spit, and a Doritos bag from 1972.

Full article: https://t.co/RI4TbQJSFL

#satire #pbs #sesamestreet #npr #netflix

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

The Trump administration found the California Department of Education violated Title XI by allowing transgender girls to compete on girls sports teams.

The president criticized the state for not violating Title XI “in one of the fun ways.”

Article: https://t.co/OKzbxF63pJ

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

"Being here is a waste of my time, and I'm immortal," explained the frustrated energy.

Full article: https://t.co/4gAuYCXdaj

#satire #AaronRodgers #Pittsburgh #Steelers #NFL #PittsburghSteelers

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“I bought a safe to keep all of my hammers under lock and key. But when he didn’t get what he wanted at home, he went out and found it elsewhere,” shared the seven-year-old’s trembling father, Greg.

Full article: https://t.co/lZpBRozv68

#satire #comedy #article

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“How about we make June Straight Pride Month? That’ll get under the Alphabet Mafia’s skin,” offered the 42-year-old with a heart rate of 110 bpm despite being completely stationary. 

Full article: https://t.co/apqTw7hvuj
#satire #pride #PrideMonth #pridemonth2025

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

"I know about as much about chicks as Charles Darwin knew about Bitcoin,” admitted Rundgren.

Full article: https://t.co/2ufATnR3dY
#satire #graduation

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

"Maybe a Hulk Hogan type,” suggested the 65-year-old Mississippi man.

Full article: https://t.co/5LJrtOgkvA
#satire #conclave #pope

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“We need real newsmen — not people who tell me which Disney princess I am,” vented Nelson, indicating that his primary point of reference is Buzzfeed.

Full article: https://t.co/iB8vMJT9Lh
#satire

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“Please disregard any images of the first lady popping champagne, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear,” said press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

Full article: https://t.co/83pGpAT8Y4
#satire

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

"This is no way to treat the things you claim to care about, Stacy!” pleaded the dent-ridden Hydro Flask.

Full article: https://t.co/RE3tM2ujb0

#satire #hydroflask #yeti #stanley

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches," threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot.

Full article: https://t.co/XsIaMYIMPj

#satire #PenguinsAgainstTrump #penguins #tariffs

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

“I’m energized and excited to spend my entire career at Shein, which I began working for at an appropriately mature age," said the caption.

Full article: https://t.co/WKcMFjXh8h
#satire #AprilFoolsDay #AprilFoolDay

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

Full article: https://t.co/VQ3HvKpLQd

#satire #PeteHegseth #JeffreyGoldberg

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth accidentally sent exact plans for an attack in Yemen in an unclassified chat that included Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeffrey Goldberg. 

“Oopsie daisy,” said Hegseth when reminded that he promised to quit drinking if confirmed to his position.

[The Slug Report @SlugReport]

Four alcohol-free ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.

Full article: https://t.co/zktNGFU4OU
#satire #StPatricksDay