Snack & Slash

Gaming and Comedy

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

Note: this is not based on any current events. As of today, I am still remarkably handsome, funny, AND smart. This just an FYI for any future happenings.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

Look. If I do something stupid, just tell me I'm stupid. I'm still going to be handsome and funny. When you have this many positive descriptors, its not that big of deal to remove "smart" from the list.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

I can't ever join in sharing hear me outs because the only thing I'm attracted to are short brunettes with attitude issues and no one cares

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

"biennial" vs "biannual" had me so confused I've been referring to myself as bisexual for years because I'm attracted to "every other" gender 😤

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

My dick is the One Piece of dicks

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

If Teddy Grahams were a human person, I would let them have sex with my wife while I watched. Never been interested in exploring that with anyone else.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

I would genuinely rather the margin go to a legitimate business than scalpers. Also, if scalping was stopped tomorrow via proper reselling laws being established. Gamestop would lower prices to MSRP to compete with walmart/target/best buy. Soooo essentially, the problem is still solely scalpers.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

Oh so Taylor Swift can marry a football player, but I mix the words "stomach" and "tummy" together and start saying "my stummy hurts" and suddenly I'm thrown out of my Aunt's funeral for puking tequila on the Minister's shoes? Give me a break.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

How to compliment a woman on her figure:

"When I die, spread my ashes in your ass."

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

If John Mayor was so great, how come there was never a John Governor?

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

You're tryina tell me a Beef stroked me off???

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

Accidentally said "good girl" to Alexa after she turned the lights on for me

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

Im sorry, that outburst does not reflect who i am as a person. I'm actually much worse and would never use an insult as mild as "idiot."

[YouTube @YouTube]

*whispers* hey…it’s our 20th birthday

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

If shitting was a career, I'd probably make like 38k a year.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

She Gwyneth on my Paltrow until I Pepper her Pott

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

I would face-fuck a shark for some @Wendys chili right now.

**This tweet was sponsored, reviewed, and approved by Wendy's International, LLC.

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

It just snowed in NH. Looking for someone to plow our driveway.

Also, we nicknamed Timmy's wife, "our driveway."

[Snack & Slash @SnackandSlash]

What? Do you think I have the memory of a sloth? (I can't remember which animal has a good memory)