peter jones

Licensed couples therapist. Specializing in engineering solutions to help couples end distress quickly.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@i_melosampaio Porque "homens tóxicos" e não "pessoas tóxicas"?

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@bennyjohnson This is what passes for political critique in the GOP of 2022.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@PaulSkallas But if she's saving her child from a rabid raccoon, isn't that the deeper lindy?

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@AVindman any suggestions for making donations to get blankets and/or generators to Ukraine

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@PaulSkallas No we didn't. Only in the 1800s did we figure out those were planets. They were wandering stars to us until yesterday.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@stoneagenathan @PaulSkallas No one said every diagnosis of PTSD is accurate. Your mistake is believing that humans are so inured to violence that we don't get PTSD. We do. However, there is greater and lesser susceptibility to it.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@stoneagenathan @PaulSkallas Nope. sorry. PTSD is caused by experiencing overwhelming emotions without enough support, and not getting support quickly enough afterwards. Soldiers (and home) cultures have likely at various times done better with immediate support. Today we do really badly at it.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@TheTweetOfGod You who think that Dog doesn't know you're biodegradable have no idea the timelines involved.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

@AgnesCallard Will ordinary mortals ever be able to audit a course of yours without being enrolled in a university?

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

3) Looking for vulnerability and getting upset at its absence, we miss its constant presence. Worse, we get upset at our partners for not having it. Searching for vulnerability, we attribute our fundamental human discomfort to something missing. This makes our discomfort worse.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

Just Say No to the Fetish of Vulnerability.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

2) Unfortunately, vulnerability is not a virtue; it is human reality. We are all vulnerable 100% of the time. No one is guaranteed another second of life. Anything can happen. When we turn human realities like our fundamental vulnerability into virtues, we lose more than we gain.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

1) Vulnerability has become a cultural fetish. It is spoken of as something without which our lives, and probably our partners, lack quality. Hence it is invoked as a kind of virtue, an ultimate good. Perhaps more vulnerability will ease our suffering as human beings?

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

5) Agree to use soft endings. Many couples stop after one; but continuing soft endings that disarm to the end of the conversation (from both sides) renews the message that we are friends. If this isn't easy to do, set aside time to practice deliberately until it's second nature.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

4) Here's an example: "The family zoom thing is on thursday night–you missed it last time and everyone asked about you. I know it was unavoidable--and I know you don't like those things. We could make it short, bow out early. What do you think?"

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

3) A simple way to disarm your partner is to soften at the end of every turn they may hear as critical or challenging. Instead, take your stand at the beginning of your turn and end with something conciliatory.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

(1) The body-mind is an alarm system. A couple must know what sets off each partner's alarm system, and what disarms it. If you or your partner are not attending to signs of alarm, and/or don't know how to disarm each other, you will both suffer.

[peter jones @Solutionsfor2]

(2) Over time however, couples may habituate to states of alarm and see them as normal or inevitable; they may even no longer notice them. But their adaptations to alarm will already have limited their vitality, creativity, and happiness.