Jesse D. Doland

I'm the guy who leaves those little pieces of paper towel covering the drain in public bathrooms.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

Graceful brunette in a dress who can sing, you have my undivided attention.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

Eating my banana string-cheese style while listening to Dallas Jenkins. #GLS23

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@Shiro_Fleur You suck you suck

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@Shiro_Fleur Turnips at 59. You suck

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

Hey, bro, is that cuticle cream?

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@SpotifyCares I signed up for a family plan before I corrected my address, and then canceled it a minute later before I used any premium features! Can you please refund me for this month of the family plan and cancel my premium features immediately?

[Beth McColl @imbethmccoll]

my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

A shroom dealer just followed me to my hotel and told me his addiction was God.

[Bob Heller @Bob_Heller]

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

🎶First you grab a girl, then you grab a couple more
then you ggrab more girls, then you have a bunch of girls. 🎶

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@RealCoryEdwards A fun little task you set us on! Soooo many I googled were taken, hehe

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@RealCoryEdwards Judy and the Wrong Ways, Wretched Mother, Cincinnati Die Hards, The Sorry Diabetics, The Sickle Swingers, Möbius Memories, Salt & Ash...?

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@RealCoryEdwards What kind of music?

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@StJesse unemployed_professors's video https://t.co/Py8EL3rjkt

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

I think I may have peaked in middle school.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

"What kind of person leaves their pancakes at a restaurant?...A person with herpes."
-Ali

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

@StJesse My left hand smells like mustard, but I didn't have mustard today. Hmmm...

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

I'm getting married tomorrow. Also I'm sitting in traffic. Also picking my nose.

How the world keeps turning, folks.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

This election is getting out of hand.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

If God made one mistake, it's that omelettes get cold too fast.

[Jesse D. Doland @StJesse]

"If you can't improve on silence, don't."