Steve Beard

[Have I Got News For You @haveigotnews]

Donald Trump claims that Ukraine started the war, just like all those American ships at Pearl Harbour that got in the way of those Japanese bombs

[B&S @_B___S]

Get a dog, they said...

[Have I Got News For You @haveigotnews]

Comprehensives are being flooded with queries from parents of private school pupils as Labour's VAT plans continue to garner criticism. 'Venal' and 'Perfidious'... are the names of two pupils hoping to enter the state sector this September

[Paul Kirkley @prkirkley]

Reasons to be cheerful: have just bought some milk that will outlive the Tory government.

[Mark Steel @mrmarksteel]

Tomorrow the Conservatives will announce plans to bring back asbestos and On the Buses and smoking in trains and going ‘wuuuuuur AY AY wuuuur’ at barmaids.

[CALL TO ACTIVISM @CalltoActivism]

A British writer penned the best description of Donald Trump I’ve ever read:

“Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?”

A few things spring to mind. Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem. For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace – all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed. So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever. I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman. But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is – his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers. And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface. Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront. Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul. And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist. Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that. He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat. He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully. That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead. There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency – and he breaks them all. He punches downwards – which a gentleman should, would, could never do – and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless – and he kicks them when they are down.

So the fact that a significant minority – perhaps a third – of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:

• Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.

• You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss. After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum. God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid. He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart. In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish: ‘My God… what… have… I… created?' If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.”

-Nate White

[Nick Pettigrew @Nick_Pettigrew]

Diplomatic relations between the UK and Greece seem to be on the mend this morning as Downing St takes delivery of an enormous wooden horse.

[Steve Beard @SteveBeard58]

@mrmarksteel Skirrid? Are you sure it wasn’t the Sugar Loaf?

[HM Revenue & Customs @HMRCgovuk]

Don’t get caught up in tax avoidance. Everyone can learn to spot the signs.

[Roger Mcgough @McgoughRoger]

I came across this the other day. Interesting that it was written in 1979!

[Xavi Ruiz @xruiztru]

This is a superb visualization of European history (1500-2022).
https://t.co/e87t1bKxYC

[The Dad Joke Man @DadJokeMan]

BREAKING NEWS!

Boy George has been attacked by a lizard on ‘I’m a Celebrity’.

They should have got a calmer chameleon...

#ImACeleb

[Larry the Cat @Number10cat]

“The King has asked me to become Prime Minister because this nonsense has gone on long enough.”

[Steve Beard @SteveBeard58]

@Fergal_Davis Happens in Wales, practically obligatory, ‘Cheers drive’

[Sue Perkins 💙 @sueperkins]

I think, on balance, it was the raw charisma that swung it.

[Michael Rosen 💙💙🎓🎓 NICE 爷爷 @MichaelRosenYes]

Dear Mogg
We need to go big on gloves. People feel the cold in a psychological way because their hands are cold. If they were to wear gloves, they would in effect think themselves warm and we'd avoid woke whingers going on about fuel bills this winter.
Foxo glacio minto
Boris

[Steve Pye @1980sSportsBlog]

"I once told everyone to spend £20 on a new kettle so that they could save £10 a year on their £4,000 electricity bill"

[Nick Murphy @nickmurftweets]

From a New York friend

[Neil Gaiman @neilhimself]

Did I go too far?

[Rory Bremner 💙🇺🇦 @rorybremner]

John Major trending on Twitter. Here's why. He was food & drink for us as comedians. Now he's food for thought. 👏👏👏