StoicSignals

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Marcus Aurelius
>Opioids daily
>Refuse to shave because you love the Greek philosophers and their aesthetic
>Deal with legal cases for 14+ hours/day
>Fall asleep at dinner because of this
>Cry in public all the time because what is anyone going to do about it you are emperor

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Emperor Carinus
>Immediately start sleeping with every senator's wife as a power move
>Not some of them. ALL of them
> Fight a massive civil war against Diocletian
>Actually WIN the battle
>One of your own officers stabs you mid-victory
>Turns out you slept with his wife

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Maximinus Thrax
>Sources claim you are 8 feet tall
>Become emperor by literally just being the biggest guy >Never once visit Rome during your entire reign
>March around fighting barbarians because you like to
>Your soldiers kill you
>They had to because nobody could solo you

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@chordas_ it's certainly nobody else's

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Emperor Nero
>Think you are the greatest artist alive
>Force the entire Senate to sit through your poetry
>Compete in the Olympics
>Win every single event you enter
>Return to Rome with 1,808 first-place trophies
>Nobody is allowed to acknowledge this is insane

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Claudius
>Caligula used to throw food at you for fun at dinner parties
>Survive every purge because nobody sees you as a threat
>Praetorian Guard murders Caligula
>Find you hiding behind a curtain
>Makes you emperor because you're literally the only adult male left

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@MalloyAlgos this thread interesting af ngl

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Quintillus
>Your brother Claudius Gothicus dies
>You declare yourself emperor
>Aurelian's army says no
>Your entire reign lasts around three weeks
>Sources can't even agree how long you were emperor because it mattered that little

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Caligula
>Declare war on Neptune
>March your legions to the English Channel
>Order them to collect seashells March home
>Declare victory over the ocean
>Hold a feast in celebration
>Display the seashells as war trophies

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Didius Julianus
>Praetorian Guard murders the emperor (again)
>They literally auction off the empire to the highest bidder
>You outbid the other guy
>You're emperor now but nobody respects you
>Three different generals march on Rome at once
>Senate sentences you to death

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Sejanus
>Kill everyone between you and the throne
>Tiberius is on Capri doing nothing so you basically ARE the emperor
>Tiberius writes to the Senate
>You show up expecting to be named co-emperor
>Letter starts with praise
>Keeps going
>Tone shifts
>Arrested
>Killed

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@MalloyAlgos dude is unstoppable today omml

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@Z_Nasdaq @MalloyAlgos Whether you canceled it or not is the course worth it? Cuz that's a different story

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@MalloyAlgos @Geedow_ tilt be fuckin people's accounts up fr

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Marcus Crassus III
>Ally with Octavian
>Win a major battle and kill the enemy king in single combat
>Claim the highest military honor in Rome
>Octavian says actually no you can't have it
>Because if you're too glorious it threatens his brand

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@MalloyAlgos DUDE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO AHHHHHH!

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@Crtquinn

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

@MalloyAlgos @DumbMoneyHunter Same way you should face the market honestly lmao

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Galba
>Become emperor
>Refuse to pay the Praetorian Guard their promised bonus
>Fiscal responsibility matters
>They murder you in the Forum
>Soldiers can't grip your severed head because you're bald
>One sticks his thumb in your mouth to carry it

[StoicSignals @StoicSignals]

>Be Marcus Crassus
>Become the richest man in Rome
>Own literal fire brigades that show up to burning buildings and lowball people on the price of their house while it's on fire
>Invade Parthia with zero understanding of desert warfare
>Get killed in a parley gone wrong