Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

[lynz @lynziekate]

My run as a soccer watcher

[Ben Houselog @benlikessport]

Usually it’s called soccer

But tomorrow night in Seattle, for one day only against Belgium

It’s called Monday Night Football.

[Hater Report @HaterReport]

Malik Beasley BEEN GAMBLING lmaooo.

Here he is going coast-to-coast with 5 seconds left like his life depended on it just to cut the lead from 9 to 7.

The spread was +8.5 😭

[Ayomide 🧢 @Haryormdey4u]

If I send you this, just know I took matters into my own hands and made things so much worse

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@JimmyKirsinski @ArsonJudge619 @Jomboy_ you keep replying this to everyone but fail to acknowledge that the yankee org isnt pushing cabby as the future golden boy who can do no wrong like they do with volpe

[boredjesse @boredjesse]

@TheHoopCentral @ByKimberleyA Tyler Kolek at the Knicks Parade:

[Emanuel Quiñones @EQuinones6310]

The World Cup has turned America into a discovery channel for the rest of the world.

And they are not handling it well.
In the best possible way.

Here is what they are discovering:

Free public restrooms. Europeans pay every time.
Free water at every restaurant. Just appears.
Free refills. Coffee. Sodas. Iced tea. Unlimited.
Free chips and salsa before you even order.
Free warm bread with dinner.
Ice in drinks like civilized people.
Air conditioning everywhere. Not a moral debate. A fact.
Parking lots attached to the actual place you are going.
Drive throughs where the food comes to the car while you sit in it.
Ranch dressing by the gallon.
Tex-Mex that cannot be explained only experienced.
Dental care that actually works.
Buccee’s. There are no words for Buccee’s.

Then they found the grocery stores.

Five of them within one mile.
Each one the size of an aircraft hangar.
Burgers. Steaks. Brisket. Ribs. Pulled pork. Lamb. Veal. Every cut of every animal ever domesticated by human civilization available in one refrigerated aisle at ten in the morning on a Tuesday.

The Germans stood in the meat section for forty five minutes.
In silence.
Processing.

They finally understand why we do not have trains.

We have roads wide enough for the cars we actually drive.
Parking lots the size of small European countries.
Airports in every city worth visiting.

Why would we need trains.

The Germans are taking ranch home by the bottle.
The Dutch found queso and briefly lost the ability to speak.
The Japanese are photographing HEB like it is the Louvre.
The Czechs are weeping in West, Texas.

Welcome to America!
The greatest country on earth.

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@BHartranft @GuardsMemes @BrandoMalave @Tark_mexeira @JeffPassan not sure if you know this or just simply don't understand the current structure but teams that are over the tax threshold have to pay into a revenue share that gets distributed to the teams that are cheap and don't spend, which then incentivizes them to continue their mediocrity

[JulioIsKing (Parody) @JulioIsKing44]

Jarren Duran after calling a fan a f*ggot in 2024:

.309 AVG 11 HR 23 RBI in 44 games

Pete Crow-Armstrong after telling a women to suck his d*ck:

.318 AVG 8 HR 13 RBI in 26 games

I’m seeing a pattern here😭

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@GuardsMemes @BrandoMalave @Tark_mexeira @JeffPassan one outlier? the yankees are constantly top 3 in payroll year-in and year-out and haven't won since 09 lol

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@GuardsMemes @brendanod0523 @JeffPassan so you should be complaining about your cheap owner than lmao punishing everyone else because your guys don't spend is ridiculous, but a salary floor being introduced with a restructured luxury tax threshold is the way

[Bobby Burack @burackbobby_]

It’s funny that former players have fully embraced Wemby (who is awesome) after saying for years they couldn’t embrace Jokic because he wasn’t American.

As I argued at the time, the pro-American stuff in the NBA was code for anti-white.

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@TalkinBaseball_ @TalkinJake its honestly incredible how HUGE of a Yankee hater that @trevorplouffe is, clearly hasn't watched Schlittler pitch at all this season

[Codify @CodifyBaseball]

HANG IT IN THE LOUVRE

[Stoned Ron Swanson 🇺🇸 @StonedSwanson]

@PardonMyTake @BarstoolBigCat @PFTCommenter @hen_ease @MrJerryOC is this who Jerry thinks is Geno Smith?

[Jordan Schmaltz @J_Swish24]

The Tiger should hire a driver crowd is hilarious. News flash the only reason Eldrick “Tiger” Woods doesn’t want a driver is strictly so he doesn’t get caught doing shady shit. Like banging a Perkins waitress in the parking lot in his Range Rover with 3% tint on the windows at 4am on a Tuesday. You think he wants to get off the golf track after popping 7 Percocets that he keeps in his locker room stall and have a dude hear him on Bluetooth having phone sex at 2pm whispering to one of his 47 side pieces “you just love me cause I’m blasian”. No he doesn’t want that- I don’t care what type of NDA that driver signs. You people simply don’t understand what type of cat you’re dealing with. This is different level of savage. A true cocksman of the game that has his own laundry list of issues. That’s porn.

-Swish, The Moral Compass of this app.

[Foolish Baseball @FoolishBB]

Will Max Fried struggle to get past the language barrier with Austin Wells?

[Christian @Christian_NYYST]

I’m not one of these people that gets triggered because the #Yankees are on 87 streaming services throughout the course of the year. It just is what it is at this point.

However.

It’s absolutely ridiculous to have Opening Day on Netflix. Fans have been waiting all winter to watch baseball again and the fact that’s it’s not available to everyone is a crime. There’s 161 other games to shove on those platforms. Let the RSN have Opening Day. Fans want that familiar feeling back. Stop being so greedy and let them have it for one day.

[Mr Plow @MrPlowSD]

Dude used PTO for the WBC and pitched 5 shutty before going back to work next Monday. That’s so fucking sick

[Jordan Moore @iJordanMoore]

It’s so refreshing when players hit a home run, do a subtle bat flip and act like they’ve been there before.

This is so much more tuff than doing jumping jacks and euro steps around the bases.