Stranded Associate

Too busy to be fired. Not valuable enough to be promoted. Too old to change schools.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "We're committed to recruiting a diverse student body."

Also @ass_deans: carpet-bombs social media with pictures of the same white male student.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "Why aren't you in your office more often? I don't want to see closed doors and empty corridors!"

Also @ass_deans: "I just gave myself a one month paid sabbatical! I'll be gone for the next month! Bye!"

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "It is MANDATORY that all faculty attend New Student Convocation to welcome our new students to campus. We WILL be taking attendance."

Also @ass_deans: "Yes, I wasn't be at Convocation, something more important came up."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Back in the office for the start of a new term.

To get to my office, I walk past five empty offices, reminders of The Purge that happened over the summer.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans favorite word is "Interim". Interim Department Head. Interim Director.

All of the responsibility, all of the blame, none of the authority.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Yay, it's annual review time!

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans : "We just gave the lecturer in your department a pay raise; he was grossly underpaid."

(Narrator: he was, in fact, grossly underpaid.)

Me: "how about the rest of us?"

@ass_deans:

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Seven years. Still frustrated. Still stranded. Still unpromotable.

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "We need the faculty to be more innovative to bring in more students!"

Also @ass_deans: "We're rejecting your proposal for a new degree program because it wasn't our idea."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Enrollment is down. No pay raises in 8 years.

@ass_deans: "Time for all the executives to go on a retreat!"

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ProfCDTaylor @ass_deans Oh, the dean takes attendance here, too. It's just not clear what happens if you're not on The List. (Likely, nothing.)

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Ah, yes ... just received the annual threat from @ass_deans to attend commencement "or else".

This, coming from a dean who hasn't given a pay raise in five years.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "Sorry we haven't been able to give you pay raises for the last five years. This year will be the same."

Also @ass_deans: "You must ask us for permission if you want to get a side job to earn more money. We must verify no conflict of interest."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans to FriendProf: "Your classes are too boring! Innovate!"

FriendProf: "I rebuilt this 1st-year required STEM course from scratch. Students like it better and are earning better grades."

@ass_deans: "Fantastic! Sorry, we're laying you off due to budget cuts."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Student: "Your teaching style doesn't work for me. I need more hands-on activity."

He only comes to class 1/3 of the time, never reads the book ("X: An Active Learning Approach"), and earned 5% of the points possible for in-class active learning exercises.

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Meeting Chair: "Did you all read the brief before this meeting?"

All of us in the meeting: [nodding furiously]

Meeting Chair: "Great. I'm going to take the next 20 minutes and read the brief again."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

Teaching at a school where @ass_deans refuses to call snow days sucks. Worse, @ass_deans just tells us to pivot to virtual teaching on bad weather days. After all, virtual teaching and in-person teaching are the same, right?

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans: "Fall Term grades are due before Christmas. I don't care what that does to your family time."

Also, @ass_deans, to students: "No one will be in the office to answer your questions about grades until New Years. You can wait until then. We need work-life balance."

[Stranded Associate @StrandedAssoci1]

@ass_deans : "This is your annual reminder that we've banned snow days. Be prepared to offer your well-prepared, in-person classes online with two hours notice."