Tye Wei Wen (Vivian)

mental picture: imagine a homunculus in a fishbowl looking out of the glass into the world, watching and learning how to be human, and failing miserably

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Warning: Please do Not follow. This is where I spill my brain ooze so YOU don't need to see my breakdown and attention seeking behaviors. So YOU don't have to be my victim. Stay safe.

*Don't mind those 40 followers, most are just old abandoned accounts of high school friends.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

When I'm silent about my needs and tolerating not having my needs fulfilled they say:"it you don't tell us how would we know". But if I voice up they'll say I'm being entitled. There's no way with them.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Why even let me see this psychologist if we're not going to try. So I told them it's pointless, and now I'm a villain for forcing them, for holding them emotional hostage.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Had my first session with the psychologist, she suggested looking into dbt skill group. I knew of dbt, and have wanted to try it since more than 10yrs ago but my dad wouldn't let me do it because too expensive. Do I not worth investing anything at all?

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Wondering if a lot of the improvements are because of me re-engage in sh since the 2nd half of last year? Before that I was halting everything just to not sh, but after that I am summoning everything back by sh-ing, so I can read again, play more music again, look forward again?

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

I don't want to go back into self hatred. I don't know if fixing me requires breaking and rebuilding, but I would really prefer not to be destroyed.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

But it was muddling up the whole picture even more. So their conclusion came to them not being able to help me and refered me to a psychologist instead, with another month wait time. I am very unhappy with the session, I don't feel like my issues were addressed. I'm frustrated.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

What went wrong in my psychiatrist session: the doctor was busy typing out something on the computer, his assistant was the one asking me questions, multiple people jn the room and me being unsure of who I should talk to, made my speak louder and more agitated plus,

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

I needed clarification for their questions, and I didn't have time to give nuance to my answers, so it sounded like I'm saying I don't have symptoms but I was trying to not up play my situation "It's not THAT bad but to some degree" and they wanted to talk to my parents

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Well guess what? He says he can't help me. It's always like this. So, I'm not sick I'm just lazy? I have attitude? I need to grow up?
It's hopeless. No pills can help me. I'm not trusting anything anymore.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

A few more days until the appointment, everyday I feel like I want to run away. I don't believe I will get a satisfying diagnosis. I think I will feel suicidal because I will be a lazy bum using mental health as an excuse to sit at home for 7yrs. It will be my fault.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

I just want to last until my appointment happen. And then I can decide what happens after that.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

She never has tried to and therefore never will understand. Only fault finding and dismissing her part of responsibilities. She can't see that things are difficult for people in different ways. Always: "what's so difficult about that?" Why so dismissive?

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

@boksuping Lizard?

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

I left fb long time ago, but recently I've been wanting to go back. It's just that I missed the time when everyone on fb are friends from school and everyone from school are connected on fb. I've been so lonely since. I want to explain my absence and reconnect.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

The appointment is still a month away but I'm scared that I might run away from it. I keep flip flopping between "I'm going to go and get an answer " and "I don't want to know, I'm scared of facing myself "

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

I now have an appointment? And it's next month?! See how many times I flip flop within the month until I nervous attend the appointment.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

When my parents didn't let me see a psychiatrist I complained about it, but when they are trying to get me an appointment I feel like I want to run away.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

It might have been because she was talking how much money she's putting aside for my mental health that made the whole conversation triggering. Might have been feeling like a financial burden, that's why in my head I'm running so fast. "I'm not going so I'm not a burden anymore"

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Maybe it's because I've always felt trapped and cornered in the interactions I had when I was small. Now I just feel like an earthworm on salt just wriggle and jump all over the place trying to avoid being held in conversation.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

That other day my mom helped me notice one thing: I can't stay in conversation, a few interactions in I would try to escape by saying 'I don't know', 'I don't care', or 'I don't want' but I don't really mean it, I just needed to create distance from the conversation to process.

[Tye Wei Wen (Vivian) @StrangleNdie]

Apparently that was partially why our communication was bad, she took it literally and didn't follow up for confirmation or clarification, while I was hoping for continued interaction with enough space but I couldn't restart the conversation with needing space again.