Art Vandelay

[Alex Griswold @HashtagGriswold]

Why did the Empire even use these in a dense forest, you’d have ten deaths a week

[spencer @tanosully]

george lucas is hilarious and evil

[🏛 𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧 🏛 @nonregemesse]

There’s a new conspiracy theory that Guy Fieri doesn’t actually eat anything on Diners Drive-Ins and Dives

[Ancient History Hub @AncientHistorry]

In 238 AD, an 80 year old man was dragged out of his bath, draped in purple, and told he was now the Emperor of Rome.

He begged them to stop. He was too old. He was going to die. They told him if he refused, they would kill him on the spot.

His name was Gordian I. And what happened over the next 22 days is the wildest collapse in Roman history.

Rome at this point was being ruled by Maximinus Thrax, a 7 foot Thracian peasant turned soldier who hated the Senate and taxed the provinces into starvation. In the African city of Thysdrus, a group of young aristocrats had just had enough. They murdered the emperor's tax collector in the street.

The problem: this was now open treason. Their lives were forfeit unless they could produce an emperor of their own. So they rode to the nearest important Roman they could find. An 80 year old proconsul, half blind, famously gentle, sitting in a villa in North Africa. Gordian.

He said no. He cried. He tried to reason with them. They drew their swords.

So he accepted, on one condition. His son, Gordian II, would rule with him. A father and son emperor duo. Co-rulers. Possibly the only time in Roman history a man named his own child as co-emperor on day one out of sheer terror.

For about three weeks, it worked. The Senate in Rome, sick of Maximinus, declared the Gordians the legitimate emperors and Maximinus a public enemy. Coins were minted. Statues went up. The old man, against every instinct, was actually the ruler of the Roman world.

Then Capelianus arrived.

Capelianus was the governor of neighboring Numidia. He hated Gordian personally over an old lawsuit. He was also loyal to Maximinus. And critically, he commanded the only real legion in North Africa, the Legio III Augusta, hardened veterans.

Gordian II marched out to meet him with a militia of farmers, slaves, and Carthaginian citizens who had never held a sword. The Battle of Carthage was less a battle than a slaughter. The militia broke. Gordian II's body was never found in the carnage.

When the news reached the old emperor in his palace, he did not weep. He did not speak. He walked into his bedroom, took off his belt, and hanged himself from the ceiling.

Total reign: 22 days.

And here is the part nobody mentions. His death did not end the crisis. It detonated it.

The Senate, having already publicly committed treason against Maximinus, knew they were dead men if he reached Rome. So they elected two new emperors on the spot, Pupienus and Balbinus. The mob in Rome rioted because they wanted a Gordian on the throne, so the Senate was forced to also elevate Gordian I's 13 year old grandson, Gordian III, as a third co-emperor.

Three emperors. Simultaneously. While Maximinus was marching on Italy with the army.

Maximinus got as far as Aquileia, where his own starving troops cut his head off and sent it to Rome in a sack. Pupienus and Balbinus then immediately started hating each other, and within 99 days the Praetorian Guard murdered them both in the palace, dragging their naked bodies through the streets.

Which left only the 13 year old. Gordian III. The grandson of an old man who had hanged himself with a belt three months earlier.

Six emperors. One year. 238 AD is still called the Year of the Six Emperors, and historians mark it as the true beginning of the Crisis of the Third Century, the 50 year near death experience that Rome would only barely survive.

All because an 80 year old man took a bath in the wrong province on the wrong afternoon.

[nikshep @nikshepinnit]

Congrats on your 10k run and your 130kg deadlift and your 35g protein dessert and your upcoming hyrox training we are all going to die one day

[Eat Six Billion Neighbors @wolplicker]

FOUND IT

[Jordanreviewsittt @jordanreviewsit]

“As a gift from management, you can leave 5 minutes early today to get a head start on your holiday weekend if you’re all caught up on work”

[Max Dolente @Philly_Mays]

Quoting this to make it my pinned tweet.

[Webster (The Breeze) @BigManWebster64]

The greatest Tik Tok video and comment happened on the same video #TBT

[AskLivermore @asklivermore]

To all my followers. I have officially retired at the age of 44 years old today.

I have sold my entire stake in $MU, $ARM, and $AMD for $7M. It has been a great ride and journey.

I have now parked my cash into $XLK (technology ETF), and $XLE (energy ETF).

I made it in my life. Now it's your turn.

I will now only focus on BIG opportunities and growing my $100K challenge account.

[Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog]

This is better than any of the 43 songs Drake just dropped.

[GhettoGronk @ghetto_gronk]

42-year-old Aaron Rodgers returning to the Steelers

[Matthew Berman @MatthewBerman]

i'd watch a whole season of this

[Matt’s Idea Shop @MattsIdeaShop]

“Fresh diaper. Good. Now, shit your pants again, immediately”

[jake! @reyscarradine]

there’s one specific part of the phantom menace that’s ruined for me forever and it’s when padmé contacts the trade federation at the start cause i just think of this video and bust out laughing every time

[AT @BaseballWRLD_]

Pittsburgh traded one of the top prospects in the Animal Kingdom for an aging star way past his prime with an underwater contract 💀💀💀

SELL THE ZOO

[Around The 412 @AroundThe412]

It was over before it started. Sad. Feel bad for the guy

[Travis Chapman @Travispaints]

Tusken Raiders in Tuscany, my acrylic painting

[kacey 🐳 @lehkolas]

God forbid a man plays mermaids before a big game 🙄