stuffteagsays

Stuff my kid says. She's the funniest person I know. We started tweeting her years ago.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad I changed your job title in my contacts from “BS father of TP” to “Father of comedy”

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Hey dad, we ran out of juice. I had to drink water like a peasant today.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

When moms find out I’m a babysitter it suddenly looks like they’re planning a murder… “good to know, good to know”

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

*watching dad slow cook 6lbs of pork for a family of four…

“I can’t wait to get the meat sweats tomorrow!”

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad, I can’t believe you and mom worked out, God must have looked down on you in high school and said “this is going to take a miracle, satan hold my holy water”

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Beside the slaughtering Thanos is a good dad, like he’s willing to talk it out with his daughter… #Avengers #InfinityWar

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

You can be a helicopter parent and be bad at flying the helicopter.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Teag: is that a shoodle?
Friend: what’s a shoodle?
Teag: it’s a mix between poodle and a strudel.
Friend: that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
Teag: really, it’s pure bread.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

*over the loudspeakers
“Can we get a manager to the front”
Teag: dad, is that like is there a doctor here? You’re a manager! GO GO GO

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad: well it’s science, I’m taller so I’m better.
Teag: false, short people are amazing. Gymnasts are short and their flippin incredible. Also, short people are better than you at CrossFit.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Welp, it was nice knowing you guys, I just swallowed some toothpaste...

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad: actually, Teagan, I invented the Xbox
Teag: you’re such an idiot!
Albert Einstein invented the Xbox!

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad: good night big fella
Teag: I’m not a big fella, I’m a big Sheila...
#dadjokes #HappyFathersDay

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Mom: would you sacrifice yourself for your friend?
Teag: Yeah! I mean, not my life but I would sacrifice some time...

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

*somebody drives past in a Ferrari*
EXCUSE ME SIR, EXCUSE ME!!! DO YOU NEED A SON? EXCUSE ME SIR, I WOULD LIKE TO BE YOUR SON!

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Teag: I want to be jasmine.
Dad: why?
Teag: she’s a princess but she gets to wear pants.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Dad: what are you going to do if Flo is better than you at everything.
Teag: I don’t know, kill her. I guess I always be better at dark comedy than her too.

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

I need to add a new headline to my diary: my father is a nincompoop...

[stuffteagsays @StuffTeagSays]

Not to toot my own horn but I am pretty good at the baritone...