Arctic Nun

Just looking for a temperate place to keep the red wine.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

Western democracy may be falling apart but YAY #LongerTweets! Now I can go in to way more detail about how I crossed 300 miles of tundra on a bicycle with a family of Russian boars while transitioning to a #plantbased diet.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

So I went into emergency cryosleep in June 2016 because I thought the world was going momentarily insane and hoped to wake up refreshed on the other side but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

25/37: He got cold feet (figuratively+literally) and scurried back to her, but not before teaching me how to hunt boar with my bare hands.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

24/37: He had 2 bicycles out back, and said he'd guide me to Lake Onega if I told his wife he'd been kidnapped by gypsies. I obliged.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

23/37: Turns out Yuri sleeps behind the counter to avoid his wife, but we bonded over a mutual love of spelunking and he didn't shoot me.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

22/37: As I was trying on a nice pair of sturdy boots, I heard the familiar click of a Kalashnikov safety lever being sprung. #OhDear #WWJD

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

21/37: After dark, I found a Spetsnaz surplus store and picked the lock with the torsion wrench I always keep tucked into my habit. #Sinning

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

20/37: All my money was in the car, though, so I was going to have to break another damn commandment. #ThouShaltNotSteal #SHOES

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

19/37: My Carmelite sandals may have worked for prancing in the Italian hills, but weren't going to be much use trekking through Russia.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

18/37: They seized Sister Doris at the Russian border, and then things really got exciting. #Travel #PutinWantsPutinGets

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

17/37: Poland was uneventful. Other than being stabbed in the arm by a drunk atheist and losing my rear spoiler to a bad poker hand. #travel

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

16/37: ...but turns out they are easy to bribe with tap water, if you tell them it's been twice blessed by the Pope. #NunsCanSayAnything

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

15/37: I was stopped by Czech police 6 times as I passed through. Still unclear on whether they hate foreigners, nuns, Ferraris or all 3...

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

14/37: Sister Doris is the car, btw. I named her after the least bitchy nun back at the cloisters. #nostalgia #bestofabadbunch

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

13/37: Anyway, my heart wasn't in it so I snuck off during a particularly chaotic bakery opening, grabbed Sister Doris and continued north.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

12/37: I said yes because beer. No idea why 'Pacino + Nun' worked as a combo but we worked the Austria circuit for a month and made $$$$.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

11/37: I was 6 beers deep in a nice schnitzel house just north of Vienna when a professional Al Pacino lookalike asked me to be his partner.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

10/37: I sold the car's floor mats for an obscene price to a weird Venetian who joined me for the next 300 miles. He was a big Cher fan.

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

9/37: It was then that I decided I was going to be the first pantiless nun to travel solo to the Arctic in a Ferrari. #DreamBig #NunFun

[Arctic Nun @SuchFrivolity]

8/37: I suddenly realised how much I missed the cold, fresh air, the cosy comfort of my igloo, and the nutritious goodness of whale penis.