Swag Monster

I am god and you have no way to disprove that

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Crystals, manifesting, horoscopes, witchcraft. Women will really try everything except working hard.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Some people asked me why I choose to remain anonymous. To which I ask, wouldn’t you enjoy your favourite restaurant more if you didn’t know that the chef was the same person that plowed your mom?

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

LinkedIn jobs are like tinder dates. You do it out of desperation, it’s probably temporary, and you have a higher chance at getting a disease.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Does it make me a furry if I wanna fuck the blue people in avatar?

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Whenever I try to share an interesting fact, there’s always that one friend who says “WhaTs YoURe SoUrCE??” and if you don’t respond “notable peer reviewed paper” they’ll call you a dumbass.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

I hate whenever I try to pull my cock out, my zipper stabs me in the nuts.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

I only tweet to crowd the porn search results and waste the time of degenerates. #dick #boobies

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Women are so sexually one dimensional.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

If you could have 2 penises, where would you want the second one to be?

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

The perfect shower water pressure is low enough to not hurt the tip of your penis, but high enough to get all the gunk out of your ass.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Just lost a Clash Royale game when the pain from shitting too hard made me miss my rocket. #mobilegaming

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Instead of flexing your vocabulary try getting a decent opinion.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

@general_qwert Yeah, I’ll send them your way

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Emo chicks will be like “omg I’m getting my septum and tongue pierced this weekend” but won’t go to the dentist cause it’s too “pokey”

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Twitter be recommending tits while I’m sitting at the damn dinner table but Reddit, the clearly superior porn platform, refuses to recommend NSFW content.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Society: “a man should never hit a woman”
Me:

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

People always say sex relieves stress. Like yeah, I was super relaxed when she was crushing my nuts with a brick.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

When it’s time to show dick but you’re at a quarter chub because your homie just nut tapped you a little too light.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

How Tf is little caesars still in business. Those dumb assess just learned how to deliver pizza.

[Swag Monster @Swag_Monster420]

Having a radical political opinion doesn’t make your cock bigger.