Bryn Marie

I'd tell ya, but I'd have tequila!

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I was born without the basic survival instinct of fight or flight. I just got whatever the fainting goats got.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@dorkandstormy5 Oh wow. 10/10. Maybe your best work.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@JMUmonty A legend. FREE TOMATOES?!

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@dorkandstormy5 “And if you could just not look at me or talk to me, that’d be great.”

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

There’s no crying in baseball! #Caturday #CatsOfTheQuarantine

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

#grubhub be like we saw you ordered fifty dollars worth of food fifteen minutes ago. Here’s ten dollars off your next order. It expires in eight hours.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

First day of sickness: I am a warrior. My immune system is second to none.
Second day: wtf
Third day: This is who I am now. Think of me with fond memories.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I wonder if I’ve ever had a stalker, but he spent a few nights watching me try to close my blinds before quickly changing his mind and moving on to someone with a little more general competence.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

One of the things about myself I really need to work on is googling facts about food poisoning about five minutes after I’ve eaten the thing I’m googling.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@jameschurn @Soren_Ltd I said the same thing James! #twinsies #bestfriends

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I don’t know if this is a getting older thing, but I just found an eyebrow hair that has to have been growing since the day I was born.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@jameschurn @Steffen711 I heard you guys don’t even like Lord of the Rings...

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

“It’s not easy raising six kids by yourself. I couldn’t have done it without her.” Frank just saved this whole season with that line. I am okay now. #Shameless

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I think the way in which you maintain your inbox is a good metaphor for how well you keep up with life.

I’m about to hit 10,000 emails WHAT OF IT?!

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I thought I was ready for 2019 and I was wrong.

[Entertainment Weekly @EW]

Game of Thrones showrunners reveal Ser Pounce is dead https://t.co/wNe4JEGDF5

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I just want someone out there to look at me the way that I look at sweet potatoes.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@melissayeags So do I - can’t break the habit 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

This 47-year-old version of Tom Green is everything I never knew I wanted. #CelebBB

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

I asked #Alexa to play something fun and so far she’s gone with Blue and Mambo No 5 and I gotta tell ya, the girl knows how to read a room.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

Huge thank you to whoever brought back the #Geico hump day commercial. It’s even better than I remember.

[Bryn Marie @Swagonseller]

@TheEllenShow @goldiehawn As we were entering church, my mom tripped up a step and as she was falling to her knees, she chose to yell “Jesus Christ!” Churches echo, by the way. #OhMyMom