John Swartzwelder

Too bad this isn't really John Swartzwelder.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Pistol Pete pilot, written by yours truly. Please send $50 before clicking. https://t.co/XxnAn9jRsy

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

@mattknubis Not since I got one of those monkeys that helps me. I think they're called helper monkeys.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

I like that the end of the year brings deep, honest introspection, but you know what I don't like? Myself. Lousy introspection...

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

@MissRomania The government's plan is in full effect, I see. Stifle me will they!? Silencing my ideas are they!? Try amazon.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

This guy I know is so stupid. I saw him jamming his fork into the toaster and it wasn't even switched on.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

“I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.” - Frank Burly.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Is it illegal to chop down your own christmas tree? I got some really funny looks in Lowes.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

@danielpratt Who knew what helper monkeys were capable of?

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Going as Howard Hughes this year.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Never quite figured out what time evening starts.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

I met Jimmy Carter in a diner in 1986 and asked him how his retirement was. He said getting drunk and playing mini golf wasn't fun anymore.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Buck Taylor once told me that cleaning your gun while nude was technically in the constitution. I never checked.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Another Frank Burly adventure just published! "Detective Made Easy." Also available on that plastic thing.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Just realized, it's impossible to not stick out your tongue while trying to thread a needle.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Instead of pant sizes, they should have the name of a celebrity with a similar waist. You'd feel less shame when buying a size Orson Welles.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Just finished my On the Waterfront sci-fi prequel. Now I just sit back and wait for the money to roll in...It's gonna roll in, right?

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Finally finished building a new dog house. I forgot I don't actually have a dog though, anyone want this thing?

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Health food stores smell and feel like pet stores in a parallel universe, where dogs go and buy their humans wheatgrass and B6.

[John Swartzwelder @SwartzwelderJ]

Two words on my resumé that always got me a job interview: 'Rodeo Clown.'