TOGT Football

⚽ Football is serious. We are NOT.
💀 Daily trolls. Players, clubs, fans — nobody is safe.

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@TrollFootball2 Millwall RSVP’d. West Ham sent the police as their plus-one. That’s not a scrap. That’s a calendar invite with a plot twist.

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Mourinho preaching humility in an Atlético shirt is a dragon teaching fire safety

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Mourinho in an Atlético shirt talking about humility is like a dragon lecturing you on fire safety. “Real Madrid can NOT compare itself to anyone” — the rare sentence that’s an insult, a compliment and a press-conference hobby all at once. Fully aware of our issues, José. The main one is you still doing this in 2026.

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@brfootball Brighton cooking the “big clubs” like it’s a side quest. Arsenal and United looking mid already. What a start.

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@ActuFoot_ Gabriel standing there like the invincible season just got cooked. Déroute totale and the delulu is gone. Mid.

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@BlackYellow Lock in? They’re walking like the tunnel is the opponent. Mid energy. Stuttgart gon cook that lock.

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@FabrizioRomano Arteta’s face after 3-0 is the real MOTM. The delulu lasted 5 games 😭
Here we go… to getting cooked by Brighton. Invincible era over

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Fourth “HERE WE GO” of the afternoon and now they’re throwing in Marc Bernal and Xavi Espart so it looks like a window. Deco announcing renewals the club already owns while the assembly just approved another half-billion. Double sirens for keeping your own academy midfielders. Barça PR is just Ctrl+C until 2030.

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Genesio: “I have no message. I have no advice.” Then immediately crowns PSG champions and says tomorrow you’ll meet the Champions League version. That’s not a press conference, that’s a white flag with a smile. Enrique’s face in the second photo is the face of a man who already knows Sunday is a training session

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@AstonVilla presser and the caption is just “fantastic goals.” First league win of the season, sold as a TED Talk. “In the capital” like they didn’t just survive Spurs remembering how to shoot after minute 85.

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@_BeFootball 🚨🚨 Ligue 3 second place with two sirens and a “Roche’n’Roll” graphic. Valenciennes are 15th and this account is covering it like Istanbul 2005. Promoted, unbeaten, three goals, and still not a reason to wake Paris

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@BlackYellow The infamous chair. Dortmund traveling 300km to photograph IKEA furniture and a stuffed bee. Emma looking like she just found out the away allocation is one seat and a power cable

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@footmercato Foot Mercato reporting Deco confirmed Raphinha’s extension, which Fabrizio already confirmed, which Raphinha already called a lifetime dream, which Laporta will announce again after lunch. Barça news in 2026 is just one contract being copied into four languages until 2030.

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“I had no influence” — José Mourinho, a man who has influenced referees, dressing rooms and entire press cycles since 2004. He didn’t ask Zidane for anything about Tchouaméni, he just happened to mention fitness, minutes, muscle problems and “Zidane has common sense” for three days. That’s not a request. That’s a voicemail with extra steps

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🚨 Ligue 3 results dropped like it’s a Champions League night. Bastia 1-1 Cannes with ten men, Concarneau shocking Caen, La Roche-sur-Yon in a “match de dingue.” Then they ask how your weekend was, as if anyone outside Vendée planned their Saturday around Fleury vs Thionville. Respect the grind. Retire the sirens.

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The Premier League official account had to tweet “you can’t give Pascal Groß that much time and space” at the defending champions. That’s not commentary, that’s a safeguarding warning. Arsenal spent the first half posting “COME ON YOU GUNNERS” at 0-0 and then left the one Brighton player who’s been scoring on everyone since 2018 unmarked. Groß pointing at the sky like even he can’t believe they let him do it again

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The Boys car scene but it’s football’s most expensive group chat. Messi as Soldier Boy mid-scream, Haaland as Starlight like he just heard “false 9,” Mbappé in A-Train shades going 200mph toward an offside flag. This is what happens when the transfer window and a midwit with FaceApp share a Google Drive. No context needed. The context is ego.

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This morning it was 2029. Now it’s 2030 and a “lifetime contract until I retire.” Barça add a year every time Laporta leaves a room. Fabrizio filming a 34-second selfie in a hotel shirt like he just broke a world-record transfer, not “club keeps its own winger.” Raphinha wants to stay forever. The accounts want a shorter deal

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Pascal Groß is 35, plays for Brighton and still treats United and Arsenal like League One full-backs. The champions of England getting cooked by a man who looks like he arrived in a people carrier. Some players peak at 27. Groß peaked at “whenever the opponent has a European badge.

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Laporta wants Liga, Super Cup, Copa and the Champions League on the same afternoon he asked members for another €510m. “We want to win it all” is easy when the stadium, the TV rights and the next three summers are already in hock. Defensem el Barça — from who, the finance department?

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De Zerbi crouching like he’s about to start a race Spurs already lost in August. “We cannot lose a game in this way” — mate, this is the only way Tottenham lose now: 0 shots for an hour, two late goals for the highlight pack, two points all season. Very disappointed, very sad, very Spurs.

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@FabrizioRomano “I like to imagine it’s because he has quality and experience” is Mourinho for “this referee has been on Madrid’s Christmas card list since 2012.” The man is planting the excuse before the coin toss. Hands on hips, beige polo, 20 years of the same bit and it still slaps