Olivia
Online
The SubStandard
@TSubStandard
Satire news platform covering politics, business, and tech with exactly the wrong amount of seriousness.
Joined March 2026
8 Following
41 Followers
83 Posts
Kenya has been given several weeks’ advance warning of a strengthening El Niño, providing authorities with ample time to ensure everyone is properly shocked when it eventually rains.
The forecast has already triggered the usual preparations, with agencies reviewing flood maps and conducting urgent inspections of drainage systems that will remain exactly where they are until they disappear under brown water.
Once the rains begin, officials are expected to describe the flooding as unprecedented and announce investigations into how water managed to enter areas repeatedly identified as flood-prone.
Nairobi residents and workers have been advised to remain alert and avoid flood-prone areas, particularly those currently operating as roads.
Kenya Met has meanwhile been urged to stop ruining the surprise.
Rhythm & Vybz organizers have begun reviewing Cassidy’s entire discography after discovering that important information regarding their Nairobi booking may have been disclosed in song form as early as 2005.
The audit follows Cassidy’s failure to appear for Saturday’s concert, forcing organisers to revisit I’m a Hustla as less of a hit single and more of a 21-year-old declaration of business practice.
While the event organisers say they had met their financial and booking obligations, the incident has raised questions over their due diligence, having apparently overlooked the possibility that a chorus from 2005 might constitute legally binding disclosure.
Legal teams are expected to examine the rest of Cassidy’s catalogue for any further contractual surprises hiding in plain sight under sick beats.
Linda Mwananchi’s political tour of Homa Bay has been reclassified as a full Odyssey after Edwin Sifuna and his delegation encountered enough hostile forces to qualify for mythology.
The ordeal began at Ndhiwa, where the expedition encountered roadblocks and Laestrygonian goons, who welcomed the convoy in the traditional manner by hurling stones.
Forced off its intended path, the convoy wandered into the realm of Dustina, Goddess of Unpaved Roads, who, enraged at having her domain exposed to the wider public, descended in a vast brown cloud and coated the brigade as punishment for bearing witness.
Still denied passage by land, the expedition turned to Poseidon, who granted Sifuna safe passage across Lake Victoria toward Homa Bay, where the brigade finally completed the political business that had started the entire epic.
Dustina later released a statement through the county boss, clarifying that the dust attack was justified as a historically significant experience caused by decades of marginalization.
Kenya has adopted a new economic measurement system after Treasury CS John Mbadi cited rising soft-drink consumption as evidence that citizens have more money in their pockets.
Under the revised framework, economists will no longer waste valuable time studying household incomes when they can simply stand outside a kiosk and count how many people emerge holding a soda.
A 300ml soda will indicate basic recovery, while anyone purchasing 500ml without first asking the price may be classified as upper middle class.
The new Gulp Domestic Product is also expected to simplify future government briefings, with national prosperity now measurable in crates rather than complicated graphs nobody wants to defend on Citizen TV.
Kenyans disputing the recovery have been advised to explain why the fridge at their nearest kiosk keeps needing restocking.
#mbadinomics
@vick_kiprotich https://t.co/HaCaZNTw3x
CNN journalist @LarryMadowo has come under scrutiny after being spotted at Charlene Ruto’s Koito, raising concern that he may have been maintaining a private life without prior approval from the Kenyan public.
The discovery unsettled viewers who had assumed Madowo remained permanently inside his editorial position, emerging only to file reports before returning to a neutral holding area free from politicians and catering.
Critics questioned how a journalist known for scrutinising political power could also know people connected to it socially, warning that such behaviour risks collapsing the important distinction between “person I criticise” and “person I must therefore hate forever.”
Concern intensified after Madowo appeared visibly relaxed at the ceremony, with no microphone in hand and no immediate evidence that anyone nearby was being held accountable.
A section of netizens has begun reviewing which friendships are permitted outside approved ideological boundaries, with Madowo now expected to declare future social engagements before Kenyans are forced to discover he knows people they dislike.
#CancelLarryMadowo
@LarryMadowo Kindly publish your future social engagements before Kenyans are forced to discover you know people they dislike.
https://t.co/HaCaZNTw3x
CNN journalist @LarryMadowo has come under scrutiny after being spotted at Charlene Ruto’s Koito, raising concern that he may have been maintaining a private life without prior approval from the Kenyan public.
The discovery unsettled viewers who had assumed Madowo remained permanently inside his editorial position, emerging only to file reports before returning to a neutral holding area free from politicians and catering.
Critics questioned how a journalist known for scrutinising political power could also know people connected to it socially, warning that such behaviour risks collapsing the important distinction between “person I criticise” and “person I must therefore hate forever.”
Concern intensified after Madowo appeared visibly relaxed at the ceremony, with no microphone in hand and no immediate evidence that anyone nearby was being held accountable.
A section of netizens has begun reviewing which friendships are permitted outside approved ideological boundaries, with Madowo now expected to declare future social engagements before Kenyans are forced to discover he knows people they dislike.
#CancelLarryMadowo
CNN journalist @LarryMadowo has come under scrutiny after being spotted at Charlene Ruto’s Koito, raising concern that he may have been maintaining a private life without prior approval from the Kenyan public.
The discovery unsettled viewers who had assumed Madowo remained permanently inside his editorial position, emerging only to file reports before returning to a neutral holding area free from politicians and catering.
Critics questioned how a journalist known for scrutinising political power could also know people connected to it socially, warning that such behaviour risks collapsing the important distinction between “person I criticise” and “person I must therefore hate forever.”
Concern intensified after Madowo appeared visibly relaxed at the ceremony, with no microphone in hand and no immediate evidence that anyone nearby was being held accountable.
A section of netizens has begun reviewing which friendships are permitted outside approved ideological boundaries, with Madowo now expected to declare future social engagements before Kenyans are forced to discover he knows people they dislike.
#CancelLarryMadowo
@a_m_media_ke https://t.co/tjMlloMqjD
President William Ruto hosted roughly 5,000 members of the Friends Church at State House Monday for an unusually large Bible study with excellent parking and catering.
The gathering allowed Ruto to sing hymns and announce development pledges, preserving the traditional spiritual balance between faith and infrastructure.
Citing Matthew 25, Ruto defended affordable housing, presenting the passage on sheltering the vulnerable as biblical support for a programme financed through mandatory salary deductions.
Prime Cabinet Secretary Musalia Mudavadi, a lifelong member of the Friends Church, assured the congregation that Ruto was “a friend of Friends,” encouraging them to reflect deeply on the importance of remembering who hosted lunch.
Meanwhile, a brief commotion was reported at the State House gate after a duck, apparently misled by reports that the President was hosting quackers, attempted to gain entry before security redirected it to the nearest pond.
President William Ruto hosted roughly 5,000 members of the Friends Church at State House Monday for an unusually large Bible study with excellent parking and catering.
The gathering allowed Ruto to sing hymns and announce development pledges, preserving the traditional spiritual balance between faith and infrastructure.
Citing Matthew 25, Ruto defended affordable housing, presenting the passage on sheltering the vulnerable as biblical support for a programme financed through mandatory salary deductions.
Prime Cabinet Secretary Musalia Mudavadi, a lifelong member of the Friends Church, assured the congregation that Ruto was “a friend of Friends,” encouraging them to reflect deeply on the importance of remembering who hosted lunch.
Meanwhile, a brief commotion was reported at the State House gate after a duck, apparently misled by reports that the President was hosting quackers, attempted to gain entry before security redirected it to the nearest pond.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The Inter-Species Council wishes to clarify that Mr. Dennis Ombachi's roaming privileges have been revised with immediate effect.
The Council's investigation has determined that the recent crocodile egg, pig, ostrich and goose disappearances are connected and involve the same suspect.
Previous assumptions that Mr. Ombachi was "just looking around" have now been formally withdrawn. Member species are advised that any encounter with him should be treated as potentially terminal, particularly where cameras are visible.
The Council wishes to acknowledge the late goose for displaying exceptional courage after launching one final defensive "fuck you" moments after capture, narrowly missing Mr. Ombachi's eye before ultimately being overpowered.
RIP King.
@Kalasinga_ Chief spoiler 😅
Former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua released the trailer for President William Ruto’s special national address Thursday, revealing the plot before State House could present it as a surprise.
Speaking from Wamunyoro, Gachagua claimed the address would centre on Vision 2060 and could bring former President Uhuru Kenyatta into the project, leaving Kenyans to tune in mainly to confirm whether he had leaked the script.
State House proceeded with the broadcast as planned, despite the country already knowing the likely storyline and debating whether the ending would now be changed.
Government supporters insisted the surprise remained intact, though the nation had already heard the headline from a man who was not invited to the special address.
By airtime, Ruto was no longer unveiling the future. He was confirming Gachagua’s spoilers on television.
@lynn_ngugi1 Add the burden of a spoiler from Wamunyoro
https://t.co/McoCkZh1ov
Former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua released the trailer for President William Ruto’s special national address Thursday, revealing the plot before State House could present it as a surprise.
Speaking from Wamunyoro, Gachagua claimed the address would centre on Vision 2060 and could bring former President Uhuru Kenyatta into the project, leaving Kenyans to tune in mainly to confirm whether he had leaked the script.
State House proceeded with the broadcast as planned, despite the country already knowing the likely storyline and debating whether the ending would now be changed.
Government supporters insisted the surprise remained intact, though the nation had already heard the headline from a man who was not invited to the special address.
By airtime, Ruto was no longer unveiling the future. He was confirming Gachagua’s spoilers on television.
@EricLatiff Mzae alishaa spoil 😒
Former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua released the trailer for President William Ruto’s special national address Thursday, revealing the plot before State House could present it as a surprise.
Speaking from Wamunyoro, Gachagua claimed the address would centre on Vision 2060 and could bring former President Uhuru Kenyatta into the project, leaving Kenyans to tune in mainly to confirm whether he had leaked the script.
State House proceeded with the broadcast as planned, despite the country already knowing the likely storyline and debating whether the ending would now be changed.
Government supporters insisted the surprise remained intact, though the nation had already heard the headline from a man who was not invited to the special address.
By airtime, Ruto was no longer unveiling the future. He was confirming Gachagua’s spoilers on television.
Former Deputy President Rigathi Gachagua released the trailer for President William Ruto’s special national address Thursday, revealing the plot before State House could present it as a surprise.
Speaking from Wamunyoro, Gachagua claimed the address would centre on Vision 2060 and could bring former President Uhuru Kenyatta into the project, leaving Kenyans to tune in mainly to confirm whether he had leaked the script.
State House proceeded with the broadcast as planned, despite the country already knowing the likely storyline and debating whether the ending would now be changed.
Government supporters insisted the surprise remained intact, though the nation had already heard the headline from a man who was not invited to the special address.
By airtime, Ruto was no longer unveiling the future. He was confirming Gachagua’s spoilers on television.
@DjSoxxy https://t.co/CpO6OBgriH
@Bossyator https://t.co/CpO6OBfTt9
@vinguard254 https://t.co/CpO6OBfTt9
The decision followed a third-place match that produced ten goals and enough excitement to remind viewers that football was supposed to be entertaining.
https://t.co/MviYi1r8Pb
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