Mummyfied

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I just entered to win an awesome prize! https://t.co/11AKRxRwwn

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Before kids: I would never lie to my kids.
After kids: These are baby trees and this is Elmo’s favorite pasta.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I’ve been eating lunch in my car during the pandemic and I’m going to continue to do so indefinitely because it’s what I’ve always wanted: Complete Silence in my Own Space with No Responsibilities.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I’m old enough to get cranky when a teenager wins something.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

It’s called Dishwasher Tetris. This is adulthood. Catch up.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

“Not all cops are bad”
Ok. But why aren’t all cops good??
Their current frat culture is designed to hide the wrongdoings of their peers. Protect the bad and suppress the good. Bros before...the law.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Every single day I have to deal with the fact that I am not British and never will be. #sadanglophile

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I don’t want your 3 ingredient recipes. I’m not busy. List 67 spices, IDGAF.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Who knew that behind these blond highlights there was a silver fox just hoping that no one noticed. #QuarantineLife

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a fridge, having the “you’re not hungry you’re bored” chat with myself again.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

This is political limbo. The bar just keeps getting lower; do you step up or keep trying to shimmy under?

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Normal life, putting on makeup: I look good.
Quarantine life, putting on makeup: Holy shit I’m a princess.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

If we’d know that the last time we saw our loved ones was the last time we were going to see them for such a long time, we would’ve hugged them a lot harder.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Covidivorce?
Codivorce?
Covidfuckyouiloveyoubutshutup?

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

The Darwin Awards are going to be lit this year. A trophy for everyone who called coronavirus a hoax and then died from Covid-19! Natural selection is coming for you, Karen.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

It’s disappointing to be a newly feral woman but no one wants to hear about how much food I’ve hunter-gatherered.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

I have a husband and a daughter. It’s rough being stuck at home with two children. #QuarantineLife #done

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Why is it that if you eat a piece of chicken it’s just chicken, but if you shred a piece of chicken it’s like 200 chicken.

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

Me: Stop picking your nose.
6yo: I’m not! I’m trying to put a booger back in!

[Mummyfied @TequilafrogsKim]

*Googles one quiche recipe*
Facebook: Here are quiche ads. Instagram: Look quiche pictures Pinterest: 1000 quiche recipes. JunkMail: Hot quiche wants to fuck you.